Cartoon House
by Yellowfur
Summary: The worst house on campus is in danger of being kicked off campus. How do they react? Toga party, of course! Cartoon parody of the classic National Lampoon's Animal House. Caution: adult themes, such as drinking, pot, and Otter's lines.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or the movie _Animal House_.**

**This is a parody of the movie _Animal House_. You know, John Belushi? National Lampoon? Of course you do. If you don't, you're missing out, but that's beside the point.**

**Cast list (some people may be left out by accident):**

**John "Bluto" Blutarsky- Peter Griffin (_Family Guy_)**

**Donald "Boon" Schoenstein- Zuko (_Avatar: The Last Airbender_)**

**Katy- Mai (_Avatar: The Last Airbender_)**

**Eric "Otter" Stratton- Pietro Maximoff (_X-Men: Evolution_)**

**Larry "Pinto" Kroger- Danny Fenton (_Danny Phantom_**

**Kent "Flounder" Dorfman- Tucker Foley (_Danny Phantom_)**

**Robert Hoover- Double D (_Ed, Edd, n' Eddy_)**

**Daniel Simpson "D-Day" Day- Bender (_Futurama_)**

**Dean Vernon Wormer- Father (_Kids Next Door_)**

**Doug Neidermeyer- Robin (_Teen Titans_)**

**Greg Marmalard- Scott Summers (_X-Men: Evolution_)**

**Mandy Pepperidge- Jean Grey (_X-Men Evolution_) (Holy crap! Is this cast list long or is it just me?)**

**Babs Jensen- Trixie Tang (_The Fairly OddParents_)**

**Marion Wormer- Judy Neutron (_Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius_)**

**Prof. Dave Jennings- Jiraiya (_Naruto_) **

**Clorette DePasto- Sam Manson (_Danny Phantom_)**

**Chip Diller- Beast Boy (_Teen Titans_)**

**Mayor DePasto- Mayor Adam West (_Family Guy_)**

**(More minor characters are unlisted.) This cast list is pretty solid... meaning that chances are very slim I'll be making any changes to it.**

**Since I feel it's proper, I'll be "toning down" some elements of the movie. This means less pot and less sex, for example (there will still be enough of both, don't worry). The drinking, however, will probably remain to be a recurring plot element, as it was in the movie. If you have a problem with the drinking or swearing, or on the flip side, you have a problem with my toning things down a bit, then make it easier for both of us and don't read the fic.**

**P.S. I won't make special exceptions for certain characters. Everyone who drank in the movie will drink in the fic. Which means... nearly everyone will drink.

* * *

**

Miyazaki College is a fair college. Not huge, not small. Mostly white on the outside. Unimposing but shade-sufficient foliage is in patches across the campus. Prominently displayed is the university's logo, "Knowledge is Good."

But tonight draws a crowd. Tonight, naïve, ingenuous, occasionally adorable freshmen come from around the state to pledge to get into the fraternity houses. Where you end up determines the rest of your college life. It will impact your social life, your grades, your well-being.

Choose wisely.

A couple of freshmen are on their way to the most prestigious, disciplined, generally successful house on campus: Totoro House. Now, they're a little insecure about their chances of getting in. After all, they weren't the coolest nor the smartest kids in their classes, but it was worth a try.

"Take off that beanie!" Danny Fenton reached for his best friend Tucker Foley's beanie hat as they stopped in front of the large, two-story white-painted wood, pristine and proper fraternity house with Japanese characters spelling out 'Totoro' across the front. "You're already wearing a hat anyway!" Danny wasn't an unfortunate-looking boy, but had never made it even near the top of his social ladder. The dark-haired, blue-eyed boy could have made it a lot higher if he used some of his physical skills on a sports team and abandoned his even dorkier friend, but he chose not to for the sake of a good friendship.

What Danny had said was true; Tucker's red cap was ever-present. "But we're _supposed_ to wear them!" Tucker, with his glasses and obsession with gadgets and gizmos, ranked even lower than Danny on the social food chain. There was no hope for his progression. But he had learned to live with that.

"Don't be a fruit loop, okay?" Danny adjusted his new, slightly oversized Miyazaki College black blazer. Tucker did the same as he inhaled and exhaled to calm himself.

Danny knocked on the door.

In an instant, the door opened. Robin, leader of the college's young superhero group and widely known tight-ass, was there to greet them, clad in a blazer and his usual white mask over his eyes. His hair was covered in cheap hair gel. "Robin, Totoro membership chairman." He shook hands with Danny, keeping his face in only a slight smile. He didn't want to seem _too_ welcoming.

"Hi, I'm Danny Fenton! This is my roommate, Tucker Foley!"

Robin now shook with Tucker. "Robin, Totoro membership chairman." He turned to the side, allowing them to come into the well-furnished house. Robin gestured to three girls. "These are our name-tag hostesses, Jean Grey, Trixie Tang, and Veronica… uh… that's Veronica." One was a very pretty girl with unrealistically red, flowing hair and a good figure she probably had to work hard to get. Another was an also very pretty Asian girl with a white skirt and boots, lavender sweater and matching purple headband in her thick black hair. The other was a blonde girl, pretty but not quite as pretty as the first or second, in a pink and white cheerleading outfit.

Trixie, the brunette, wiggled her fingers in a wave at the boys. "Hi, Danny. Hi, Tucker."

"Welcome to the house!" Veronica said in a shrill voice.

Danny hit Tucker's hand, signaling him to put his P.D.A. away, which he had taken out in an obvious attempt to soothe his nerves. Danny smiled at the girls. "Nice to-"

"Why don't we meet some of the guys?" Robin interrupted, his face stern and emotionless, which was his standard.

He led them way as a piano sounded classical music in the background. Trixie, Jean, and Veronica watched them leave, then Trixie and Veronica giggled. Trixie said, "A glasses-clad gadget geek and a dorky little dipstick."

Meanwhile, Robin was leading the boys around the house through crowds of people in sweater sets or blazers. "There are so many great people here, so don't feel you have to meet everyone." Robin led them on a complicated path as they passed another Totoro member bragging about the records of the Totoro House and the success of those who spawned from it.

The three reached a crowded couch and table with innocent punch and a cookie tray on top. Robin forced a slight smile at the motley bunch on the couch.

"Fenton, Foley…" He looked at the couch. "…This is Stitch…" Stitch was a small, bright blue, furry alien-looking creature with multiple arms. "…Lazlo…" Lazlo was a monkey. An _orange_ monkey. "…Spongebob…" Spongebob looked perfectly content with his punch and cookie. This was interesting considering that he was a large, yellow, square _sponge_. "…and Calvin and Hobbes." On the armchair separated from the couch sat a young boy with spiky blonde hair, way too young to be in middle school, let alone college. He sat with an orange stuffed tiger.

Robin put his green-gloved hands on his hips. "Grab a seat and make yourselves at home. Don't be shy about helping yourselves to refreshments." With that, he hurried off.

Danny, without a word, smiled at Tucker awkwardly as he sat next to Stitch, who growled.

However, Tucker was not content with being obviously seated at the rejects' couch. He made his way over to a boy who was curiously green-skinned and green-haired, wearing a pledge beanie like himself. The boy was nodding as a tall, rather handsome Totoro guy in khakis, a green sweater, and red sunglasses talked about his wonderful house.

The sunglasses-clad guy gestured gently as he talked. "I'm not saying Totoro's the best house on campus. But a lot of outstanding cartoons figure they'll pledge Totoro or they _won't pledge at all_." He hadn't acknowledged Tucker's arrival yet. "We do have more than our share of heroes. Something that never looks bad on your permanent record, Beast Boy!"

The green lad, now known as Beast Boy, nodded in agreement. He was taking it very, very seriously. "Sure. I mean, everyone knows Totoro's the best, but I'd hate to seem…" He paused, turned around, made eye contact with Tucker, and gave him a look of unrequited and pure contempt and disgust. Then he turned back to the older guy. "…you know, pushy."

"Well, let the minor characters, villains, or mostly useless sidekick characters worry about that, because after tonight, they're-…" Scott finally looked up at Tucker. "Oh, hi there! You are… Tucker! I'm Scott Summers, president of the Totoro House." They shook his hands. Jean Grey walked into the group, and Scott put his arm around her shoulders and continued talking to Tucker. "These are my friends, Jean Grey-"

"We've met," he said.

"And Beast Boy."

"How are you?" Beast Boy didn't even look at him this time.

Scott began leading Tucker away, back to a rather familiar location, as he pointed out various peoples of interest. "Over there is Neji Hyuga, head of the shinobi squad. That's Juniper Lee, captain of the girl's volleyball team…" They reached the reject's couch. "This is Hobbes, Calvin, Spongebob, Lazlo, Stitch, and Dandy."

"We've already met," Tucker murmured.

"Excellent! Then you'll have lots to talk about, eh?" Placing a lot of emphasis on the 'x' in excellent, Scott gave Tucker a pat on the shoulder and left him back with Danny.

----------

Now Tucker and Danny were back outside, walking past yet another frat house, on the way to the end of the block.

"Look, Danny, no sweat! I knew Dib. He was a Chihiro. I got a recommendation from him, I worked with him. They have to take me!"

Danny rolled his eyes as they reached a dingy-looking house with thumping rock-and-roll music playing. "Oh, great. I hear Chihiro's the worst house on campus." As if on cue, the second they stopped in front of the house, a life-size doll of a nude girl went flying out the window and fell in front of them. "Mr. Meaty's" was spray-painted on it. Tucker ignored Danny's cross look and stepped toward a fat man with glasses, green pants, and white button-down urinating on the house. "Excuse me, my good man. Is this the Chihiro House?"

The man, turned to them, unfortunately turning his target to their legs. "I guess so. Welcome to my humble abode." He opened the door.

It was a mad house. Screams mixed with rock music like a cocktail of din. Some people were on skateboards. It reeked of booze and smoke (tobacco and marijuana, and probably something else). Something crashed.

"Grab a beer. We stole them, so it doesn't cost anything. Convenient, huh?" Then he stood with them in silence, beer in hand, for a few more seconds. "See you later." He turned and left.

Danny and Tucker went their separate ways (kind of a stupid move, isn't it?). Tucker came across a bunch of people playing cards. Kidomaru, a scary ninja man with six arms, had his hand distributed evenly among his limbs. Jay and Silent Bob smoked something illegal (not sure what) that they pulled more out of from their baggy clothes. Blackfire, scantily clad in black leather clothing and a smirk, was the only female there.

Tucker grinned. "Sooo! You guys playing cards?" His voice cracked.

---

"You want another beer, Danny?" A dark girl asked Danny. He turned around to see a pale girl with black hair partially pulled back, with shiny bangs that nearly covered her narrow eyes. Her outfit was a long, flowing, dark red dress. She was behind the counter, serving up beer, and she looked incredibly bored with the party scene.

Danny suddenly wondered how this girl knew his name, but smiled. "Yeah, sure!" He sipped the drink handed to him and looked to the side. Installed in the wall were a couple of half-spherical aquariums placed to look like breasts on a hot girl's body painted on the wall.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Nice fish, huh?"

Behind them was a slight crashing noise, a thump, and a "Sorry!". A skinny, kind of gangly boy with a black cap on his head and a large gap in his front, top row of teeth came to the bar. He and the girl behind the counter were the only ones Danny saw that night who didn't appear drunk.

The newcomer shook hands with Danny. "I'm Eddward, known as Double D. I'm the Chihiro House president! Welcome!" Then Double D turned to the bartender. "Mai, have you seen Zuko?"

"He disappeared when we got here," Mai said.

"He's probably upstairs talking to Pietro…"

"Duh," Mai leaned toward Danny a bit and finally smirked, her first show of emotion besides ennui that night. "They're well-known homosexuals."

Double D let out a nervous giggle. "Help yourself to another drink, Danny! She's just kidding around." He turned to the man sitting in the corner, where the fat guy Danny and Tucker had met when they first arrived sat. "Isn't that right, Peter?"

Peter picked up a five-gallon water cooler, which was part of the bar, and attempted to crush it on his head.

---

Inside a musty bedroom on the second floor of the house, two college boys sat together. One, a boy with black hair hanging over a terribly burned and scarred eye (on an otherwise decently handsome face), sat on an unmade bed. The other, a skinny boy with bright white hair, whistled a fast tune while combing his hair in the mirror.

"Going out tonight again, Pietro?" The dark-haired one said. He looked up in thought (mostly mock thought). "Is it Irma Lair?"

"No. Lemme give you a hint, Zuko. She's got a couple of major melons, man. Major." The white-haired boy, Pietro, spoke very quickly.

"Ah. Is it Foxy Love?" Zuko made a disgusted face just saying the name.

"No! No, no! Do I want an STD? No! You're not getting any warmer. Here. I'll give you another hint." He first waved his hands wildly, then put them on his hips. "Shut up! Do this! Do that! I hate you!"

Zuko gave a slight smirk. "You're going to have sex with Angelica Pickles?"

"I anticipate playing the submissive one tonight." Pietro went back to his hair, stiff with gel. "Hey, hey, hey. Why are you interested in my social life? Where's Mai?"

Zuko ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "Downstairs. Upset with me. Again."

"She thinks you're not living up to your full potential?"

Zuko didn't respond.

Double D knocked on the door.

"Whaaaat?" Pietro half-whined.

"There are people trying to get into this fraternity! Pietro, you are rush chairman! You should be present downstairs!"

Pietro ran out the room zipping outside and accidentally knocking Double D away. He shook hands with Tucker, who had just made his way upstairs. "Hi, I'm Pietro Maximoff, rush chairman, bla bla, damn glad to meet ya." He turned away from Tucker before the freshman could respond. Pietro was about to take off down more steps, before stepping aside to let a dirty motorcycle drive straight up the stairs and in between him and Tucker. Tucker flattened himself up against the wall and yelped in fear. "Bender!" Pietro called out in happiness. But then Pietro moved on, jumping down the steps and shaking hands with some random person at the bottom. "Pietro Maximoff, rush chairman, bla bla, damn glad to meet ya." He darted off.

Zuko slinked down the steps and nodded to the other people. "That was Pietro Maximoff. He was damn glad to meet you."

Danny was back, beer cup in hand, watching as the guy who was on the motorcycle took off his helmet. He was actually a robot. "Ah, Danny! I see you've met Bender!" Double D joined them. "Are you having a nice time together? Fantastic!"

Bender looked at Double D, then grabbed two empty beer bottles from inside his steel chest cavity (apparently doubles as a storage container). He played a few quick beats of 'Blue' by Eiffel 65 on his head with the bottles and on the last note they broke. He gave a welcoming point of his metal finger to Danny, somehow perfectly making the sound of a zipper.

Pietro shook Danny's hand. "Pietro Maximoff, rush chairman, bla bla, damn glad to meet ya! Nice tie! Zuko! Look at this tie!"

Zuko, appearing behind Pietro, fingered the tie a bit like Pietro. "I've seen better."

Pietro continued. "Ninety-percent rayon! Nice! Nice. Did your mother buy that?"

"Uh, yeah…" Danny blushed.

Double D inserted himself in their conversation again, Tucker in tow. "Tucker is a legacy, Pietro. He got personal recommendations and was the pupil of Dib. You remember Dib!"

Tucker gave a hopeful nod. "Dib said that since his formal training of me in the field of paranormal studies through computers was on my resume, I'd get asked to pledge automatically. Legacies are, aren't they?"

Pietro said, "Yeah. Sure. Usually. Unless the pledge in question is a real closet case. Like Dib."

Zuko nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Dib and Zim were always going at it. They almost burned the house down."

Tucker swallowed. "Uh, Dib said-"

Pietro interrupted him. "Oh, Tucker, get over here! I like the tie!"

Zuko glanced at it. "I've seen better." But he turned his head just in time to see Mai leaving. "Mai!" he called out as Pietro introduced himself to more people. "Mai!"

Mai walked outside into the brisk night air. At least outside it didn't smell like booze and men.

"Mai!" Zuko ran up to her. "Where are you going?"

"Home," she said firmly.

"We just got here."

"No, _you_ just got here." She crossed her arms. "I've been downstairs, entertaining some kid from _Cliché Teenage Male Superhero Cartoon Number Ninety-two_."

Zuko gave a slightly suggestive smile as he moved in a little closer to Mai. "Maybe we could drive up to your parents' estate this weekend…"

Mai was apathetic as usual. "Fabulous. My car filled up with your drunken stooges going up to clean out my parents' liquor cabinet? It's too depressing to think about."

Zuko shook his head. "No, no. Just you, me, Pietro, and another girl…" He thought about Pietro's habits and murmured to himself, "…or five other girls."

Mai's tone was still calm. "Is this what you're going to do with the rest of your life? Hang around with failures, getting drunk every weekend?"

"No, after I graduate I'm going to get drunk every night."

Silence. Then Mai gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Nice try at humor, Zuko."

"It's not really my style."

"I'm in love with a retard."

"I'll kill him."

* * *


	2. Double Secret Probation!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or _Animal House_.**

**Much thanks to my reviewers! Really, you flatter me! You can keep doing it... if you want to. **

**Extra credit to anyone who can name me where the name 'Bedussey' is from. **

**Father as Dean Wormer was fun to write.**

**Plus, you may notice as we go on that I will try, at least once a chapter, to give characters a little bit of a background as to why they are where they are. After all, Peter didn't just end up the way he was, and Pietro and Zuko aren't just randomly friends. Besides, it's good for me because I think Create-A-Past is really quite a fun game, especially when I only half to make up half of it.

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**

Father looked out his window cautiously. This was his college, this Miyazaki College. He was dean. Dean! Not only that, but Father was powerful. Dean Father could ignite his desk right now if he wished. Yes. That's right. Dean Father had power over fire, and his body was completely black (except for his eyes. They're fiery. Isn't that cool?).

So why didn't that damn Chihiro House ever show him any respect?

Father walked slowly back to his seat. Most furniture in the room was polished mahogany. Across his desk sat the president of the Totoro House, Scott Summers. "Scott… what is the worst fraternity on this campus?"

Scott looked awkwardly to the side, then back to Father, straightening out his tie. "Well, sir, that's hard to say. They're each extraordinary in their own way-"

"Cut the horseshit, son!" His tone suddenly rose in a very imposing way. Scott flinched. "I've got their disciplinary files right here!" Father leaned forward and flipped through the files. "Who dumped a whole truckload of sharks with laser beams attached to their heads into the pool at the swim meet? Who kidnapped, bound, and gagged Hatake Kakashi, one of our most prized teachers, and dropped him off at the nearest high school's anime club? We didn't get him back for_ three months, _and then he needed a year's psychiatric help before he could come back to work!" Dean Father didn't wait for Scott's response. "Every month, once a month, the robotics classroom is wired for every button on the keyboards and remotes to say one of many catchy phrases from _Wallace and Gromit._ Every spring, the toilets EXPLODE." Upon saying this last line, Father jumped out of his seat and flames shot up from his head and shoulders.

Once the flames died down, Scott scratched his head nervously and said, "You're talking about the Chihiro household, sir."

Father looked at Scott in disbelief. "OF COURSE I'm talking about the Chihiro House, you little TWERP!" He then turned away from Scott to talk, almost as if he was talking to himself. "But this year, it'll be a different story… very different… yes… this year we're going to take the bull by the balls… and KICK THOSE PUNKS OFF CAMPUS!"

Once again, Scott ran a hand through his shiny brown hair before speaking up. "What do you intend to do, sir? Chihiro's already on probation."

Father looked surprised. "They are?"

"Yes, sir."

"Oh…"

A short period of silence…

"Then, as of now, they are on… _**DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION**_! AHHH HA HA HA!" Dean Father took this joyous moment of power to laugh his head off. Evilly, of course.

Scott, however, looked doubtful. "…_Double_… _secret_ probation, sir?"

Father moved toward Scott, his finger up in a pedantic fashion. "There is a little-known rule in the Miyazaki College Constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in the time of campus emergency." He paused dramatically. "Find me a way to revoke Chihiro's charter. You live next door. Put Robin on it. He's a sneaky little shit just like you, right?" Though Scott opened his mouth to respond, Father looked away from him and looked out his window. "The time has come for someone to put his foot down… and that foot… is _ME_."

----------

Double D cleared his throat between slides. He was running a projector machine he borrowed from the library to show slides of the different pledge hopefuls they had received the previous night.

Now, one may think the Chihiro House to be a rather… odd place for a meek, nerdy, rules-abiding boy like Double D to reside. That was what everybody thought when he and the other two Eds (his best friends Ed and Eddy) arrived to Miyazaki College. But then came the incident one fateful night before midterms involving the tragic deaths of the other two… it involved a three A.M. coffee binge for cramming, two melon ballers, a laptop, and a stapler. Double D refused to say more. It was a widely known fact that he had gone off the deep end, but he insisted he didn't and that that was all that mattered. And now, three years later, the last Ed is head of the Chihiro House. "This is Danny Fenton. All in favor?"

Referring to the photo of said freshman, Double D let the men of the house cheer. Generally, they sounded like they were in favor. One Chihiro, a fat blonde guy named Coop said, "We need the dues!"

Double D grinned. "Good! Danny Fenton is now a pledge to Chihiro. Next slide, please…"

The slide clicked to another certain school photo. Just one look at his nerdy visage made most people in the room erupt in shouts of anger and disapproval, booing and hissing. Double D's shoulders went up to his ears as he tried to make general gestures of calming the frat boys down. In the audience, Pietro looked around at the crowd with an indignant expression. Zuko, who was sitting next to him, looked uncaring for the most part but did also look somewhat annoyed.

"J-…just a minute! Just… just settle down!" Double D called out. "This is Tucker Foley! He's a legacy from Casper High. He got recommendations."

"From who?" Another member of the household, named Monkey D. Luffy, asked.

"Dib."

More screaming and booing, louder than before.

"Nowwaitaminute waitaminute waitaminute. Wait. A. Minute!" Pietro stood up and shouted a few times to get everyone's attention. "Okay, yeah, this guy's a real loser. True. I mean, look at him. But think back to when you were freshmen!" He gestured to Zuko. "Zuko, you had a burn on your face that looked like the pepperoni on a slice of pizza, didn't you?"

"…I still do."

"Well, yeah, but you hide it with your hair now. And Spud!" He pointed to another Chihiro member with a green cap. "Everyone thought he was brain-damaged."

Spud looked down, a little bit of his self-esteem having been chipped away just by remembering it again. But then he looked up, perfectly normal, having forgotten it already.

Pietro let out a laugh. "Hell, even me. I was so goddamn obnoxious that the seniors used to beat me up once a week. Or, you know, whenever they could catch me. So they really ended up only doing it a couple times. Heh. Neanderthals. Oh, right! My point! Anyway, so what if this guy is a total loser? Hey, lemme tell you the story of another loser-" Everyone interrupted Pietro by shouting and throwing empty (or full) beer bottles at him while they booed him.

---

Danny and Tucker slept in their dorm room. It had been a long night, and they were both a little hung over. Before they had a chance last night to think about how lame it would be if the worst house on campus didn't accept them, exhaustion took over.

A little clock ticked. Little did this little clock know, it and the two boys in the room were about to be victims… of a fire extinguisher.

The door burst open and in came Zuko and Pietro. They both began squirting Danny and Tucker, who yelped and squealed and jumped around to get away from the white, powdery barrage. Pietro just cracked up and shot at them as quickly and wildly as he could. Zuko was using the device more steadily, but was shouting out demented military cries at them: "GET UP. LET'S GO. ON YOUR FEET. NOW, SOLDIERS."

---

Double D stood in front of the young pledges. Double D's costume was unique, to say the least. He was clad in the poofy pink sleeves of a girl's princess costume, a rainbow wig, and a fake bloody _Scream_ mask. With one hand, he held up an antique book with a leather cover. The other hand he held up to the side of his head, facing the freshmen. "_I_… state your name…"

The row of boys repeated, "I… state your name…"

"… _do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat_…"

"… do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat…"

"… _with liberty and fraternity for all_."

"Amen."

"Sergeant at Arms," Double D nodded to Peter. "Do your duty."

Peter Griffin, drinking a beer, stepped up to the first pledge, a red-haired boy in black clothing named Jack Spicer. "Your pledge name is Fishbelly." He moved on to the next, a boy who essentially had a yellow spike with a purple spot in the middle for hair. This was Odd Della Robia. "Your name… is Kitty."

Peter's next stop was Danny. "Danny, your Chihiro name is Bedussey."

Danny raised one eyebrow. "Why Bedussey?"

Peter burped. "Why not?!" He then looked over to Tucker.

Tucker could hardly contain his excitement. "What's my Chihiro name?"

"Foley, I've given this a lot of thought…" Peter put his hand on Tucker's shoulder. "From now on…" (Ooh, a dramatic pause. That's flashy.) "…your name is Dipwad."

Next thing they knew, all Chihiro House members were singing along in their rowdy fashion to a song they barely knew. It wouldn't matter, if they had played that song every day their entire lives, they were too tipsy for the lyrics to be audible. Everyone was trying to manage dancing, but at this point, it was a lost cause. Soon, somebody was going to fall, and then later, more than one person was going to puke. It didn't matter. In this house, what really mattered was that you had fun. And they were willing to have fun at any expense.

---

In a totally different world, yet only ten feet or so away from the Chihiro House, something dark and evil was brewing in the Totoro House. On the second story, on the room farthest to the left, it was hazing time, and they took it very seriously.

Scott held a book close to his chest, covered by the monk-like brown hooded robe he had on. "We must now consecrate the bond of obedience." He looked down at poor Beast Boy, who was the first pledge in line. "Assume the position."

Beast Boy, looking terrified, bent down. Robin, who was standing next to Scott, took out the Paddle of All-Consuming Spankiness and positioned it juuuust right. Then, with juuuuust the right amount of force, he brought it down on Beast Boy's behind.

Beast Boy cringed, then squeaked out, "Thank you sir, may I have another!"

WHACK.

"Thank you sir, may I have another!"

WHACK.

"Thank you sir, may I have another!"

Scott and Robin looked down, the faint glow of the lit torches and dozens of candles in the room sending an orange glow about them, reflecting the joy, the pure, deep down, semi-erotic joy that Robin and Scott and the other Totoro House members were taking in this as Scott nodded approvingly.

* * *


	3. A PLEDGE PIN?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or Animal House.**

**Any Robin fans in the house? (How about Neidermeyer fans? ... Right, I thought not.) Well, like it or not, he's in your face this chapter and next chapter. **

**This chapter was especially fun for me to do, mostly because I love the "PLEDGE PIN!!" quote.

* * *

**

Jiraiya was one of the English teachers at Miyazaki College. He abandoned the art of the shinobi for this job, not necessarily because he was getting old for being a ninja or because the job was dangerous for _anybody_ (let alone a man in his fifties), but because he decided to devote more time to writing his romance novels (that's what he called them, but don't kid yourself, they're pornography). He thought this job would help get his creative juices flowing, but it turned out to be a joke. Three quarters of the kids he taught didn't do what he assigned, and even then, grading papers took up way too much of his time. At least he could sneak some peeks at the college girls here.

He leaned back on his desk, letting his way-too-long-for-anybody white hair rest on it. Another day, another dollar, another hour spent with ungrateful drunkards in their twenties. "Now… what can we say about Professor Rotwood's _The Dragon Boy, I Swear It_?" Thinking of something he could possibly use from this worthless book to educate the students on something other than bad writing, Jiraiya paused a lot. "It's a… a drawn out account of… uh… a part of his life in New York City. This guy was known to be a little off, so a lot of you probably have some difficulty understanding… exactly what Rotwood was trying to say." He sighed and stood up straight. Even though the weird wooden sandals he had on elevated him at least three inches, without them he was still quite tall. "Certainly we know that he, uh… trying to make some weird theory of his come to light, eh? Well, the most intriguing character in the book was the, uh, passerby on the street who didn't even have a speaking role." The last part he more murmured to himself. "Okay. Don't write this down, but I find Rotwood probably as boring as you find Rotwood. The rest of the world did, too. He's extremely long-winded, he practically types his German accent, and he's totally gone off the deep end." The bell rang, interrupting Jiraiya's tangent. He continued to shout after his students as they gathered up their books, laptops, food, and the brains they made sure to take out of their heads before they even sat down. "But that doesn't relieve you from your responsibility for this material! I'm still waiting for reports from some of you!" Half the young adults were gone. "HEY! I'M NOT JOKING! THIS IS MY JOB!"

----------

Trixie, dressed in a cheerleading outfit with Veronica, was grilling Jean Grey. They were on the bleachers after a football game. The skies were a milky gray-white, the autumn air brisk.

"Come ON, Jean! Are you and Scott doing it?" Trixie sounded as if she had asked Jean this a few times before and absolutely _needed_ an answer or her head would explode.

Jean hesitated before answering. She looked annoyed. "Scott doesn't believe in premarital intercourse."

"Too bad. He's at least a nine."

They didn't even notice Peter Griffin sitting under the bleachers, at the perfect position to look up their short skirts. Peter's face was frozen in shock. Perhaps it was in erotic glee in an odd-looking form, or maybe because of the chilly air, or maybe it was some sort of weird side effect of alcohol poisoning, or maybe it was because Veronica was one of the girls.

----------

Beast Boy, one in a four-by-four line of boys in green suited military garbs, shouted out a rhythm for them to walk by. "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!" The members of the college's soldiers-in-training were there for no other reason than to be scolded by Robin, their general. That was a lie; there must've been some other reason, but it seemed to the trainees like that was the main purpose. So there they stood, in the chilly, gray weather. There they stood, on the muddy, dull grass, located near the center of Miyazaki College.

"Company, HALT!" Robin shouted. He was dressed in military attire as well, shiny and colorful badges decorating his, but the motorcycle he was on threw the whole getup off. "Hold my mount," Robin ordered Beast Boy as he stepped off the vehicle. It obviously made little sense that he told him to hold the mount of a motorcycle.

Robin's next action was to pick a victim in this group of boys. Poorly trained boys. Immature boys. Lazy boys. A few of them Chihiro boys. They _needed_ him. They needed his guidance. They may make voodoo dolls of him every night now, but they'd be thanking Robin later. Robin had picked his victim – Tucker Foley.

Robin stepped right next to Tucker, who kept his eyes straight ahead. "You nerdy, disgusting slob. You're a damn _disgrace_!"

Meanwhile, Zuko and Pietro had made their way up to the tip-top of a steep, very tall hill. With them were two golf bags, with neat varieties of shiny golf clubs, and a set of white, new, soon to be painful little golf balls (Pietro had stolen the balls and clubs). And it was no coincidence that this hill, located near the center of Miyazaki College, perfectly overlooked Robin and his subjects.

Pietro let out a nervous giggle, looking at Robin. "Vicious mother, isn't he?"

Zuko gave the scene a stern look. "He can't do that to our pledges. Only we can do that to our pledges."

Robin, clutching his metal staff (Robin was skilled with various weapons that he hardly ever ended up using), ordered Tucker around. "Dress that belt buckle!" Robin whacked him in the midsection. Tucker fiddled with belt buckle after standing up straight again. "Redo those buttons!" He whacked Tucker in the chest. Tucker cringed and fiddled with the buttons, looking terrified. "_Straighten that cap_!" Whacking him in the head, Robin knocked Tucker's green cap right off his head. "And goddamn it, tuck in those PANTIES!" He was referring to Tucker's red heart boxers (as he whacked Tucker's behind), which were visible when he bent over to pick up the cap.

Robin stepped in front of him. "Attention! EYES FRONT!" Tucker stood rigid. "What's that on your chest, victim?"

"…A pledge pin, sir-"

"A PLEDGE PIN? ON YOUR UNIFORM?!" Spittle flew from Robin's mouth on the 'p' on 'pledge' and 'pin' and his tone grew harshly loud and volatile.

Back on the hill, Zuko hit a golf ball. It landed somewhere in a river. "Hooked it. Damn."

Robin sneered. "What fraternity would pledge…" His masked eyes scanned Tucker in disgust. "…a man like you?"

Tucker swallowed. "It's a Chihiro pin, sir."

Zuko did another swing. "Slice."

The golf ball went crashing through the window of Dean Father. The chair he was sitting on slowly started to smoke.

"Report to the stable tonight and every night at TWENTY-HUNDRED HOURS. And without that _PLEDGE PIN_!" More spittle. "DO YOU _UNDERSTAND_?"

Tucker, desperate to be left alone, bobbed his head up and down.

Pietro took the club from Zuko. "Your left arm is straight. But you're not keeping your head down."

"YOU'RE ALL WORTHLESS AND WEAK! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!" Robin ordered. When they were finished, he didn't give them a break. "GET BACK IN RANKS." After that last shout, Robin got on his motorcycle.

When Zuko tried to position himself again, Pietro yanked the club. "No. Just no. You suck at this. Watch me." He positioned himself and hit the ball.

As Robin opened his mouth again to be even more annoying, the golf ball hit one of the handlebars on his motorcycle. The bike took off, surprising Robin. A lot, apparently, since he ended up getting dragged on the ground by the other handlebar, shouting as he got dragged at forty miles an hour on the muddy field. Zuko and Pietro watched the group of soldier wannabes run after him with fast, desperate, freshman feet.

Zuko narrowed his eyes (or rather, his good eye). "I have to work on my game."

"Damn straight."

"You're not going to say anything supportive?"

Pietro snorted. "Like what?"

"Like how I shouldn't think of it as work and the whole point is to enjoy myself?"

"Pfft. Yeah. And my name is Otter."

* * *


	4. Weed and Fireworks and Robin, oh my!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or Animal House.**

**Some of you may not like this chapter, if only for the fact that Danny, Zuko, Mai, and Jiraiya are all smoking pot in this chapter (and possibly doing something embarassing). If you don't like that idea, then I hope you leave now, because this chapter will bring you down sooo much.**

**Also, I must confess that of all four chapters so far, this is probably my least favorite because of how the Boon-Katy-Pinto pot smoking scene came out. I haven't seen the movie _all that_ recently. I'm reading a transcript to get the dialogue for the fic, so for scenes I don't remember well (like said weed scene) you may notice it if they come out different since I'm relying on both memory and my own judgement of what the characters in the movie would say to sort things out. I'd like to think I get most of Boon's lines right, since I am, after all, the biggest Boon fan I know. But I could be wrong.

* * *

**

Zuko's posture suggested a moment of serious negotiation. This was a terribly important situation. Not to be taken lightly, oh hell no. Mai was the one could help him. Help him, Mai.

And Mai did really want to help him. But she wanted to help him in a different way than he was asking. You see, Mai thinks Zuko is wasting away slowly at his frat house. Much as Mai thinks Zuko's friends are fun (and they are), she also thinks they would be better in moderation. Mai knew that Zuko was exiled from his home nation after defying his controlling and volatile father, resulting in the burn on his eye and a need to deface his warlord father, which in turn resulted in him being at Chihiro House. Mai thought Zuko was very smart and needed to be doing something good with his talents like planning wars, being head of a prison, inventing new forms of torture to slip under the country's interrogation regulations for that kind of thing, leading an army of the state's best and scariest soldiers (we're talking bloodthirsty killers here), or maybe he could go into politics. Just so long as it _didn't_. _Involve_. _Tons of_. PARTYING.

Kids rushed by Zuko to get to Point B as he spoke. They were outside on a lovely autumn day. The grass was green but piles of leaves were orange, red and brown. "I want you to fix Bedussey up. But it has to be a very special girl." He paused, putting his pale hand to his equally pale chin in thought. "She should be decent-looking, but we'll trade looks for…" Another pause. "… a certain kind of morally casual attitude."

Mai nodded in understanding, posture straight, face apathetic. "Someone he can screw on the first date."

"Well put. Bedussey's a virgin." Zuko agreed.

"Hey! Right here!" Danny cut in. But he was completely ignored.

Mai led them up to a little house with little foliage to meet Jiraiya. Mai was about to open it without knocking before she turned to the two boys and said. "Now, don't do anything stupid. This guy's the only competent teacher in the whole school." She opened the door. "He's actually a good teacher."

Jiraiya stood up from his couch and nodded in thanks to Mai and smiled. "Teaching pays the rent until I finish my novel."

"How long have you been working on it?" Danny asked.

"Four and a half years."

"Must be pretty good!"

"It's a piece of shit." He had a straight face. "But let me tell you something, the research I do makes it all worth it!" Now he had a slightly evil smile.

Naïve, adorable little Danny smiled. "What kind of research do you do?"

"Let's smoke some weed." Mai interrupted.

---

"You ever smoked before?" Jiraiya asked Zuko. The eccentric professor had taken a few puffs himself of pot.

Zuko nodded once.

"When did you ever smoke pot?" Mai queried.

"I've done a lot of things you don't know about it."

"Like mastur-"

"I won't go schizo, will I?" A slightly nervous Danny looked at the blunt, unsure what to do with it. Then he looked at Jiraiya.

"It's a distinct possibility."

He put it towards his mouth, then took it away and gave it another look, then put it back to his mouth. "Like this?"

"Try not to drool on it so much."

---

Minutes later…

The room was filled with the horrible, grating sounds of two high boys singing "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Danny and Zuko were quite enjoying their impaired selves. Jiraiya was plenty high, he was just too busy smoking more (he had much more of a resistance) to join in. Mai was a cool high, though. She was just sitting quietly, no different than usual, watching Zuko act totally un-Zuko-ish and wondering if maybe there was _less_ to Zuko than she thought…

---

"Okay! That means that…" Danny rambled, eyes glazed, white tee a little lopsided. "Our whole solar system could be, like...

Jiraiya finished for him. "One tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being."

Dany paused, then looked slightly panicked. "_This is too much!_"

Jiraiya just nodded, knowledgeable enough to not be fazed by this shocking theory but understanding enough to identify with Danny's being overwhelmed.

"That means… one little, tiny atom in my fingernail could be… one little universe…" Danny looked at his finger in amazement.

Silence, then-

"Can I buy some pot from you?!"

----------

Tucker tried in vain to give Robin's motorcycle more gas. He would yelp in fear whenever he would accidentally bump the mirror, nudge the wheel with his foot, smudge the polishing job he had done, or even go so far as to _knock it over_ (sin of sins! Mistake of mistakes!). It was well into the night, but he was still stuck here doing whatever came to Robin's mind that would "help Tucker build character".

And whenever Tucker would bring the gas pump to Robin's precious motorcycle, he would fumble or not put it in right, and once he even got a little static spark. _I may start a fire and then Robin will KICK MY ASS and I'll be expelled and maybe thrown in prison and possibly drawn and quartered! _

The motorcycle's engine roared out of nowhere. Startled, Tucker screamed and threw the pump over his head, darting backwards.

Fear of fears, Robin appears. Due to his dragging earlier, a neck brace and ugly purple facial bruise accessorized his usual military attire (which was black tonight) and eye mask. "Give me that!" He snatched the gas pump. Then, Robin bent down to his prized bike's pump and transferred the fuel into the motorcycle (using his _mouth_, of course. What? Isn't that how you do it?). "Yeees. Baby. It's all right." He was cooing to the thing now. After a minute or so of oral refueling, he stood up and grabbed Tucker's shoulder in obsessed bossiness. "FOLEY! What kind man hits a defenseless vehicle?! I've got a good mind to smash those glasses of yours." Then he tightened his grip and leaned his face towards his victim's. "Listen up, you nauseating pile of sidekick. Your days are numbered at Miyazaki. You and all your sick Chihiro buddies. In the meantime, your ass belongs to me. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"

"But-"

"**TITANS, **_**GO**_!" Robin barked. Tucker yelped in fear again and jumped down and did pushups while Robin turned his poisonous attention back to his bike. "Come here, baby. Cutie-pie…"

Little did Robin notice the two bodies darting about between the gas station's shop and the pumps. Really weird how he didn't notice, actually, considering one was made of metal (making tons of noise) and one was very obese. And considering that Robin was a trained superhero. But enough about that now.

Robin shouted one more order to Tucker. "I want this bike filled up by tomorrow, YOU GOT THAT?"

"Y-y-yes sir!"

On that note, Robin marched off. Just as he had disappeared, turning at the far off end of the nearly deserted street, a weary Tucker's _personal space was invaded! _He yelped one more time as he was grabbed by the shoulder by weird-even-by-Chihiro-standards, robotic Chihiro house member Bender. Peter Griffin jumped beside him.

"Brother Bender! Brother Peter!" Tucker said in shock. Relief? Fear? Arousal? Maybe. We'll have to wait and see...

"Hey, you hate that crazy asshead?" Bender demanded of Tucker.

"Who?" Tucker gasped out.

"Robin! You hate his guts!" Peter supported Bender.

"I guess so-"

"You GUESS so?!" Bender shouted in his face.

"Yes, I hate him! I hate his guts!"

Bender had calmed down, but maybe he just hadn't had a beer in an hour or so. "You know, at Chihiro, we have an old saying: 'Don't get mad, get even'!"

----------

Fifteen or so minutes later, Bender, Peter, and Tucker had dragged the motorcycle across Miyazaki College's green lawns (now decorated with lovely tire tracks), through the doors, across three hallways, up a staircase, through another door, and now they were in a room. But it wasn't just any room. This well-furnished room that smelled of lemon furniture polish and charred wood was Dean Father's office. It was empty when they came in.

"Nice bikey. Let's go." Tucker coaxed the hesitant motorcycle as he pushed it in inside the office. Then he stood in the doorway and smiled with childish glee, all worked up. "She's in there! Boy, this is GREAT!"

"Yeah, this reminds me of the time I assassinated Julius Caesar!"

_---_

_(In Peter's mind…)_

Julius Caesar sat, toga and all, at his long table, eating a lovely Roman dinner (keep an eye on that toga, you never know when it'll pop up again).

Peter, in a bigger toga, jumped out of the closet behind him. "YAAAAHHHH!"

"AAAAGH!" Julius screamed.

Then silence.

Peter looked at him. "I expected this to go better. Wasn't I supposed to have a dagger or something?"

The leader looked at him in a shocked way. "You idiot, Brutus! You call that an assassination attempt?! I've seen four year olds do better, why, I bet this lamb I'm eating could do a better-" _THUNK. _His leadershippy head hit the table. He was dead, killed by a poison in his lamb.

Peter looked at him, then smiled. "Heeh-heh-heh, heeh-heh-heh…" His trademark Peter Griffin laugh reverberated through the halls of the Roman palace. "They'll name a salad after you."

_---_

(Out of Peter's mind! Come out from under the blankets now!)

"Now finish it, Dipwad!" Bender smacked a pack of highly explosive cherry bombs into Tucker's hand and a lighter. "You know where to put 'em, right?"

"Are you kidding?! I've never set off fireworks in my life!"

"I thought you hated Robin's guts!"

"I do."

"And that motorcycle! Is there anything you hate more in the world than that motorcycle?"

Tucker looked at the fireworks.

"Get it over with."

Tucker breathed in deeply, as if there was as much courage in the air as oxygen. Then he nodded, determined, and went into the office.

As the door closed, Peter looked at Bender. "Those are just sparklers, right?" Bender nodded. Sparklers didn't look anything like cherry bombs, but Tucker, who had just admitted to never having set off fireworks before, probably wouldn't be able to tell.

Inside the office, the chopper's engine was on. It seemed to growl at Tucker. Tucker flinched, shaking, nervous. Would he do it? COULD he do it?! Where did the fireworks go? Why didn't they turn the thing off?! WHY WON'T IT SHUT UP?!

Tucker lit them in a hurry, spun around, shouted, and threw the fireworks into the dean's cabinet, which displayed a multitude of plaques and other certificates of education achievement.

Bender and Peter were giggling at their ruse… until an explosion went off and smoke went to the ceiling.

Bender and Peter came bursting into the room where a very shocked Tucker was standing. Robin's motorcycle was on its side, a small fire on it.

"HOLY CRAP!" Peter shouted.

"Those were just sparklers!" Bender shouted.

"I didn't even throw it at the bike!" Tucker shouted.

"HOLY CRAP!" Peter again.

"Those WERE just sparklers!" Bender noticed the cabinet's small light show.

"Maybe the motorcycle had a heart attack!" Obviously the events of the night had gotten to Tucker.

They all paused and looked at each other before doing what they considered the best way to handle the situation…

The three guys ran, screaming their heads off, barely stopping to breathe as they tore down the hallway. They hollered in fear and panic as they quickly lumbered down the stairs and through the hallway, Peter randomly grabbing a fire extinguisher out of a glass case (breaking the case) and trying to ram Bender over the head with it, all while still shouting. They ran across the torn up courtyard and went 'agh agh agh' all the way to Chihiro House.

* * *


	5. I'm a ZIT!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or _Animal House_.**

**Okay, so the pot scene last chapter was, quoting Hoover, a little below par. I think you guys may like this chapter a little better, though. The cafeteria scene was one of my favorites in the movie, so I'm hoping I pulled it off.**

**Of course, I once again have to enforcingly advertise the movie (sorry) and say that my cafeteria scene doesn't measure up to the one in the movie, since Peter's not Bluto, Pietro's not Otter and most importantly, I'm not a _National Lampoon_ writer. John Belushi's a real master of physical comedy in his own unique way, and you can watch it on YouTube.

* * *

**

"If you want the homecoming parade in my town, you have to pay." Mayor Adam West, the gray-haired, self-righteous, overly dramatic mayor (if you could call him that) of the city told Dean Father.

Dean Father looked very uncomfortable. Maybe it was because his cabinet, after having experienced all the decorative joys of a sparkler, had been destroyed along with a few academic certificates and the like, and that was where he got his power (just one of many theories). "With all due respect, your mayorness, I think it's wrong to extort money from my college-"

"Look," West interrupted him. "As the mayor of this town, I've got big responsibilities. These parades are very expensive. You're using my police, my sanitation workers, my oldsmobiles, my newmobiles, my desk made of solid gold, the last of which doesn't directly have anything to do with you at all. You won't even be using it. Anyway, if you mention extortion again, you'll be swimming with the fishes. My koi fish. It won't be nice. They're very scaly, I should warn you. And they nip at your ears."

"No, no, I'm sure I can dip into the student fund."

"One more thing, you better sit on that zoo fraternity of yours. I don't want any drunken riots in my town like last time. I say you should follow the proposal I suggested the other day, you know, get a couple of students you trust who can keep quiet. Give these students a couple of really good tasers, and at about three A.M. on a Thursday or some other inconspicuous day, send them over to that frat, also with a couple of melon ballers and-"

"Not that I don't get pleasure out of your idea, my good sir, but I have already asked the authorities and they have indeed said this would be illegal."

"…That's really too bad."

"Don't worry, sir. I've got those boys just where I want them…" He stood up, hands behind his back, and walked over to the window, looking evilly at Chihiro House's general direction. "We'll have the best homecoming parade Miyazaki's ever had!" (Cue evil laughter.) "AAAAH HAA HAA HAA HAAAA!" Fire erupted from him. So much for the plaque theory.

----------

Peter Griffin stood between the lunch line and the bins where people put their dirty dishes and trays. Their cafeteria was remarkably average, but Peter really loved their lunch line.

"Hi, how ya doin'…" Peter smiled at a girl who dumped her lunch tray and left. "Hey, afternoon…" Peter nodded to a guy who dumped three cellophane wrappers. "Hi, I like your hat…" he said to another guy with a Miyazaki College cap. "What's up…" he murmured to another girl with a few crumbs on her plate. Then a guy with a paper plate of a half-eaten chicken salad sandwich showed up. Peter shoulder-tackled him out of the way, grabbed the plate, and stuffed the food, plate and all into his mouth. Then, grabbing a tray, he decided it was lunchtime.

Meanwhile, just a few tables across the cafeteria, Pietro zipped up to the table where Jean Grey sat alone in a booth with her tray of food (one brownie, one tuna salad sandwich on whole wheat, one serving of carrot sticks, one peach… how very _balanced_ and _ordinary _of her). Pietro shoved his tray and his skinny butt next to her. "Jean! I haven't seen you since we-"

"Go away!" She interrupted him, looking slightly volatile.

"I can only stay a minute. Lemme buy you lunch."

She gestured to her full tray of food.

"You got your lunch, how about milk-"

She held up a little carton of lowfat milk.

"Fancy that! Can I just grope you while you eat?"

"Do I have to send you flying across this cafeteria using my mind, leaving an unpleasant Pietro-shaped pattern across the Miyazaki banner?" The redhead asked him.

"Is this any way to treat an intimate friend? Huh? Is it?!" Pietro demanded loudly.

Back to Peter. Moving across the counter tops of food with his tray, Peter picked what he wanted, and sometimes what he didn't want. He first put two plates of hamburgers on his tray, then a hotdog. Then he reached for two donuts. One missed the tray. By a lot. Just went straight to the ground. Uncaring, he tossed a celery stick on his plate after the slice of pecan pie, you know, to be healthy. There was a sandwich section. Were they any good? Peter didn't know, so he took a bite to see and ended up putting it back. He grabbed a different type of sandwich to sample, tried it, then turned around and put it on some innocent nerdy guy's tray.

Then he moved on to yet more countertops of food… a whole new selection. He grabbed an orange, a bowl of spinach, mashed potatoes with another hamburger, and something unidentifiable and white (not mashed potatoes). Then Peter came across the gelatins. He had to decide – did he really want jell-o, did he just kind of want jell-o, did he not want jell-o at all, did he have a personal problem with jell-o, was he still sleeping, just how much did he drink last night and that morning, and where was he anyway? The last three or so questions weren't that important, so he looked around to see if anybody was watching and sucked the plate clean of jell-o like a vacuum. No, he didn't want jell-o. Oh wait, yes, yes he did, lots of it. He took two plates of the green type and put them on the Leaning Pile of Food.

Let's swing on over to Jean and Pietro just to see how they're doing. He was still rambling pickup lines to her. Finally she said, "I asked you never to speak to me again. Will you GO AWAY?"

No real progress there on either side. In the meantime, Peter was finally done getting food. He passed by the scary army kids' table, where Robin was sitting at the end of the table full of green-suit-and-badges-wearing soldiers-in-training sat, dead inside.

Peter stood behind Robin and imitated a motorcycle. "_Vrrrm vrrrm_…"

Robin tried to whip his head around, only to blurt "AAAGH," when the fact that he was still wearing a neck brace became significant to his immediate physical well-being. Peter trotted off, giggling.

One more switch back to Jean and Pietro. Only now, just as they were still interacting (the only good way to describe it), three visitors showed up: Scott Summers, Beast Boy, and Trixie Tang. Beast Boy looked like he'd rather be somewhere else.

"I hope we're not _interrupting_ anythiiing…" Trixie teased in a singsong voice.

Pietro smiled at her. "If you must know-"

"Pietro was just leaving," Jean finished, looking very frustrated.

"I wasn't."

Scott smiled a little too wide and fake. "I could _make_ you leave, if you-"

"Peter!" Pietro relished the fact that Peter Griffin's arrival may have just saved him from what could have been a bad situation. "I think you know everybody here."

Jean clenched her teeth. "Scott, can't you-"

"Don't worry, just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth!" Pietro smirked and crossed his arms as he watched Peter shovel down food, spilling half of it, very much entertained.

Trixie, Beast Boy, and Scott looked in open-mouthed disgust as Peter shoved food toward the general direction of his mouth, but the probability of the food making contact with the teeth was shaky.

Scott sneered. "Don't you have any respect for yourself?"

Trixie let out a distressed-pretty-girl-squeak. "This is absolutely _gross_. That boy is a P-I-G, pig!" She began to ponder hideous rumors she would spread about him later. Maybe she could successfully imply bestiality with him…

Peter looked up, finally acknowledging that he was the center of negative attention. And he had only bothered to acknowledge it even now because Trixie's shrill voice bothered him. Scott watched him warily under his usual red sunglasses. Beast Boy played with his food, utterly bored. Trixie smoothed her hair as she watched Peter as well. Jean looked tired, but also watched Peter. Pietro was the only one whose eyes flashed with glee. Peter finally had a handful of unidentifiable white cafeteria glop. "See if you can guess what I am now…" He stuffed the white stuff into his mouth, his cheeks puffing out. Then he punched his cheeks, making white stuff spray all over the preppy kids. They flinched. Trixie screeched. Peter giggled. "Heeh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh. I'm a zit. Get it?!"

"Alright, you ne'er-do-well! Let's go, right here!" Scott jumped up and lunged for Peter, who jumped up as Pietro struggled to control his laughter both at Peter's joke and Scott's usage of the word "ne'er-do-well".

Peter ran around the lifeless wannabe-soldiers' table to avoid Scott and Beast Boy running after him. He ran around the other side and realized they were on either side of him. He threw a full tray of only condiments (the magic of plot device!) at Beast Boy and was able to run around him just before the be-neck-braced Robin could grab him from behind. Peter shoved Robin and some purple-haired kid with a video camera out of the way to run. Robin was knocked to the ground and shouted in pain at his neck being in quite the uncomfortable position. When a trail of wannabe soldiers scurried to follow Peter, they trampled Robin, who shouted again and thrashed about. No one bothered to help pick him up.

Pietro stopped laughing and turned to Jean. "Wanna go out tonight?"

Jean smirked. "Don't flatter yourself, Pietro. It wasn't that good." She watched as Pietro struggled to comprehend a suggestion so IMPOSSIBLE that not even his fast-moving brain could grasp it that minute.

Peter realized he wouldn't be able to run forever and turned around. "LOOK IT'S MATT LAUER!" This had no luck with the ROTC, so he instead shouted, "FOOD FIGHT!" The kids in the cafeteria were happy to oblige as he made his escape.

* * *


	6. Of Togas and Handjobs

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or _Animal House_.

* * *

**

On a cliché lookout point, in the romantic dark of night, a red convertible was parked in the middle of an otherwise deserted dirt road… the perfect environment for reaching third base. Tonight's players are Jean Grey and Scott Summers.

Jean's leaned in toward Scott in a romantic fashion. We can't see her arms. "Oh, Scott, look! It's a star. Let's make a wish." If Jean was any cheesier, she'd be a life-size statue made of Parmesan. "_Star light, star bright_-"

"Wait a minute. That's not a star. It's moving too fast." Scott shot Jean down. "It's probably a jet… they can really move across the sky."

Jean paused. "Is anything happening yet? My arm's tired."

"I'm sorry, Jean. That thing with the Chihiros has me a little distracted. God knows they've molested women…"

Jean turned her face away from Scott so he wouldn't notice her rolling her eyes. Obviously she had gone through this before. She turned back to Scott. "Anything?"

"…Maybe a little faster."

"…How's that?"

"Yes." Then, it started to look like maybe Scott was going to give it a rest. "That Pietro Maximoff's lucky he's not in jail." _Ohhh_, so sorry, Jean!

"I'll say." Jean halfheartedly agreed.

"What?" Scott turned away from the dark, cool sky to face her. "You'll say what?"

Jean knitted her eyebrows in confusion. "…I'll say _what_?"

Scott huffed. "You said 'I'll say' when I said 'he should be in jail'. I'm trying to figure out-"

"Scott, if you're not even going to try, I'm just going to stop!" Jean said indignantly. She yanked off her glove.

----------

Mr. Crocker, a teacher, was photocopying the tests he planned to give tomorrow in the undecorated copy room. In his usual obsessive-compulsive manner, he made copies of the answer key, too. With a bitter, I-hate-my-job look on his face, he threw out the original copy, another stupid and pointless move in his odd way of doing things. The hateful little man stalked off, clutching his copies, mumbling something about fairies.

Minutes later, Beast Boy walked in and, in a couple swift movements, picked the discarded answer key out of the trash can and replaced with a similar looking piece. One wonders why.

----------

Bender stood in front of a metal garbage can, one of many, searching through it. It was mostly paper. They were in back of some buildings on Miyazaki College campus. Before Bender made any sign of finding anything of worth, Peter Griffin popped up, throwing open the top of the dumpster he was rummaging through. He handed a sheet of paper to Bender.

Bender looked it over. "That's it!"

----------

Mr. Crocker didn't bother to walk around his classroom to make sure his students weren't copying each other's answers. He was too busy grading other papers at his desk, the only bright moments of his day being when he was able to write a big, pretty, red 'F' at the top of the page.

Good thing, too. If he did get up, he quickly would have noticed that every Chihiro House member in there (every single upperclassman in the same class. Coincidence? Yes, let's go with that!) had matching little slips of paper in their sleeves (all of them had made sure to wear long sleeves to cover the answers that had been photocopied onto these papers for them).

However, Robin and some other random Omega (you could tell he was an Omega; dead behind the eyes) exchanged an evil, triumphant grin. Not only did they _notice_, they knew...

--------------------

Pietro said his goodbye on his cell phone (stolen cell phone), then clicked the button to hang it up and shoved it in his pocket. He was seated on a secondhand couch in the living room of Chihiro House. As far as furniture went, the room was relatively empty; there were some other pieces of used furniture and a mini fridge. But most of the house's residents were seated in there, chattering. Everyone had a beer, which was always in abundance there. The wood floor cried out desperately for a polishing or waxing or one day without having people spill things on it

"She cancelled our date." Pietro said to Zuko. Pietro crossed his arms and looked mildly pissed.

"Washing her hair?" Zuko asked, face indifferent, voice slightly sarcastic.

"Dead mother," Pietro said as if this was an insult to him.

One may be wondering at this point in the story exactly how these two very different personalities became friends at all, let alone always together when it didn't involve Mai or Pietro's flirting with girls. Pietro was a fast-talking, rude jerk and Zuko was a brooding, moody jerk. Therefore, faced with the circumstances of being dormitory roommates and them both being without any other friends at the beginning of their college life, they developed an odd friendship together more out of desperation than anything else. Isn't that _cute_?

Double D burst into the room from outside. His eyes were slightly wild and full of nervousness, but no one was worried because Double D nearly always looked like that nowadays. "We're in trouble!"

No one responded. They were Chihiro House… they were _always_ in trouble.

Double D ignored the fact that no one took him seriously. "I checked our grades! Our test answers were wrong!"

Zuko furrowed his brow in disbelief. "Every one?" Double D's tense expression was answer enough.

Pietro looked over to Bender and Peter, who were the ones assigned for finding the answer key sheet for their latest test in the trash. "Those assholes must have stolen the wrong fucking exam!"

Peter and Bender looked at each other in shock. But then they shrugged in an 'aw-what-does-it-matter' manner.

Before he could get up and start throwing a fit, the sound of slow footsteps was heard. Dean Father entered without knocking (okay, the door was open, but it wasn't meant to be a sign of welcome to _him_). At the sight of him, everyone scrambled to put their beer where he couldn't see it.

"Well, well, well. Looks like _someone_ forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in houses on _probation_!" Dean Father's presence created some heating in the room. With people like him, who needs a radiator?

"What a tool!" Pietro whispered to Zuko.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Father demanded.

"I SAID _what a shame_…" Pietro sprang up off the couch. "That a few bad apples have to ruin the fun for the rest off us by breaking the ru-"  
"Put a sock in it or you'll be out like shit through a goose!"

Pietro's body snapped back into a sitting position on the couch. "Yessir."

"Have you boys seen your grade point average?"

For once, Pietro had nothing to say.

"Have you?!"

Double D stepped in. "Uh, I h-have, sir." He forced a gap-toothed smile. "It's a little b-below par..."

"It's more than a little below par!" Father was glowing now. "It STINKS! It's the lowest on campus. It's the lowest in Miyazaki HISTORY!"

"You know, this house is made of _wood_." Coop pointed out.

Double D flinched and held up his hands in a motion to calm Father down. "Well, sir, we're hoping that our midterm grades will help our average."

Zuko snorted derisively.

"Laugh now, because you clowns have been on Double Secret Probation all semester."

"_Double secret probation_?" Pietro mouthed to Zuko, who shrugged.

Father continued. "That means one more slip-up… one more mistake…" He held up his fiery fingers threateningly. "One little _spark_ gone in the _wrong direction_…" (Meanwhile, Double D was behind the couch having a nervous breakdown about the house burning down.) "And this fraternity of yours has HAD IT AT MIYAZAKI!" On this last intimidating note, Dean Father was satisfied that he had gotten enough young men to pee in their pants and left.

After Father closed the door behind him, the frat boys were silent as they listened to Father's footsteps going down their porch steps. As they slowly took out their beers from their hiding places, Pietro was the first to speak up (what a _surprise_). "That was pleasant! Nice of him to stop by."

"What an asshole," Zuko said. He made a halo of flame encircle his head and began talking in a poor mockery of Father's voice. "Oh, look. I'm _Father._ I hike my underwear up past my bellybutton. I still smoke tobacco from a pipe. I get angry over nothing and am ashamed of my ice cream addiction. Pa-thetic."

Double D interrupted Pietro as he came out from behind the couch. "We must do something! My voodoo dolls didn't work! He's serious this time! I think he knows about the exams!" His hat was pulled over his eyes in his own fear.

Zuko nodded. "He's right."

"YOU'RE RIGHT! We gotta do something!" Pietro was suddenly getting worked up as he darted off the couch and into the middle of the room.

"Absolutely," Zuko sat back and crossed his arms. He was just provoking Pietro now.

"Know what we gotta do?!" Pietro plopped back down on the couch and gave Zuko's shoulders a little shake.

Both Pietro and Zuko spoke in unison. But funny thing was, Pietro said "Toga party!" and Zuko said "Organized arson!"

Pietro faced Zuko. "What? No. What did I tell you? Toga party. Let's try this again. Know what we gotta do?"

"Toga party," the two said in unison.

Double D shook his head and hands. "No, we're on double secret probation! We can't afford a party! My therapist says my equilibrium hasn't come back yet since the last-"

"You guys up for a toga party?!" Pietro demanded of the roomful of guys, especially motioning towards Peter, who was impossible to stop once he got going.

A few of the guys cheered and Peter Griffin stood up. "Yeah, toga party! Toga… toga…"

Pietro stuck his tongue out at Double D. "Seeeee? They like the idea!"

"Pietro, please don't do this…"

Pietro jumped in front of Double D's face. "I got news for you, pal! They're going to nail us, no matter what we do! So we may as well have a good time!"

In the background, a slow chant of "Toga… toga…" had picked up speed. In seconds, there was loud, rapid chorus of "TOGA! TO_GA_! TO_**GA**_!"

* * *


	7. Food King

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Animal House_ or the cartoons used within.**

**Sorry for the delay!! Whoops on my behalf. **

**In this chapter, meet Sam/Clorette! **

**I don't know exactly when this parody takes place chronologically, so no, I'm not entirely sure of how logical the presence of Zuko's energy drink is. No less logical than the presence of Boon's Unidentifiable Food Object in the original scene.**

**P.S. Speaking of Boon, it's Peter Riegert's birthday today. Happy birthday! I hope you get another worthy starring role someday!**

Zuko inspected his overly caffeinated energy drink, as if suspecting someone had poisoned it. But that was probably because of the ingredients already in the neon green lab creation. Zuko was trying to decide if the (recommended to him by Pietro) drink's poor nutritional value, was worth the jolt. He's not even the jolty type of person. He plunked it down on top of the dryer in the Pickles Laundromat, where he was with Mai. "It's not going to be an orgy. It's a toga party."

"Honestly, you're a senior. In six months you graduate." Mai unenthusiastically dropped her clothes into the washer. The inside was now a menagerie of burgundy, dark crimson, and black. Zuko never recalled her wearing any other colors… maybe dark brown or gray. "Tomorrow night, you'll wrap yourself in a sheet and pour grain alcohol all over your head." Mai paused. Let's see, what sarcastic comment could she add onto the end this time? She had just recently used _It's too depressing to think about_. How about _Will I be paying for bail again this time_? No, she could use that another time. _Did you pull that out of your ass or did Pietro retrieve it from that of his latest one-night stand? _No, she didn't feel enthusiastic enough about this to bother to bring Pietro's tendencies into it. Oh, let's go simple. How about, "Cute, Zuko, but I think I'll have to pass this time."

Zuko took a sip of his energy drink, making a slight grimace. "What, you want me to go alone?"

Mai closed the lid on the washing machine and the water started. She rolled her eyes, then turned to Zuko. "I don't want you to go at all."

He stepped up to her and put an arm over her shoulder. "It's a fraternity party. I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?"

She smirked. "I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to attend."

"It's funny," Zuko took another sip of his drink, but left it on the dryer as he walked away. "Very funny." He thought better of it, and melted the drink into bubbling slag, damaging the dryer beyond repair.

Mai just rolled her eyes again.

--

Zuko arrived back at his familiar old Chihiro House. He stopped outside in front of the house, where Pietro, Danny, Tucker, Bender, an unfamiliar vehicle were. Zuko smiled at it. It looked War of the Worlds-ish, like a space alien ship. It had large, dark red metal center with a glass plate for a windshield. A few metal legs jutted out of the bottom and held it up. Tucker was frantically polishing the windshield and fiddling with the bottoms of the legs, worried about it falling over. Zuko whistled. "Where'd he get the, uh, thing?"

"From Dib," Danny said as Pietro, off to the side, stared at it hungrily, an idea forming behind his navy blue eyes. Danny continued. "It's a spaceship that belonged to a vengeful alien girl, and it landed in Dib's yard. Tucker's bringing his girlfriend up for the weekend and Dib's going to let him use it."

Pietro darted over to Tucker. "Dipwad, I am appointing you Pledge Representative of the Social Committee! Be honored!"

Tucker's eyes lit up as Pietro guided him over to the front (rear? Side? What's with this thing?!) of the ship. "Gee, thanks, Pietro!" Then a look of suspicion and worry flashed from behind his glasses. "Wait, what do I have to do?"

"Drive us to the Food King!" Pietro began to pry open the plate of glass, trying to open it, as Danny cheered with Pietro and Zuko just acknowledged the cheering. Bender backed away from the vehicle, which he was trying to pick through, maybe to sell some parts or maybe just to see how it worked. "FOOD KING!" Pietro shouted again for emphasis.

Tucker futilely begged them not to scratch it as the other three shoved themselves inside the alien vehicle with violent speed.

--

Pietro walked through an aisle of Food King. He whistled a harshly fast tune as Tucker struggled to keep up behind him. Pietro slowed only to grab a can of meatballs. He didn't really look at it, but he tossed it over his shoulder to Tucker, who thankfully grabbed it. Then Pietro grabbed a thing of chocolate syrup and tossed that, too. Tucker grabbed it. Then Pietro decided to step things up a bit. Next was a bag of marshmallows, a can of sugary maraschino cherries, a glass jar of olives. Tucker struggled to catch them all. Just when he succeeded, another onslaught! A thing of some kind of syrup (pomegranate, maybe?), a bottle of wine, a bag of chips, and something else – Pietro wasn't even paying attention anymore. "Pietro, please…!" he managed as he finally gave in and dropped half his armfuls of stuff. Pietro continued to throw things despite that they were just going any which way now.

Meanwhile, in the meat section, Zuko ripped open Danny's zip-up hoodie. Just as Danny was about to use a move he learned in his sexual harassment self-defense class (unisex!), Zuko reached from the refrigerated section and began to _stuff packaged raw meat into it_. Danny nervously laughed as a reaction, because he had honestly never been in this kind of situation before, nor had he ever hoped he would. "Uh, what are you doing?"

"Fixing your jacket," Zuko grumbled as he attempted to simultaneously stuff more meat into it and zip up the jacket. He finally got the zipper up. Danny's chest looked like it had tripled in size due to the meat... and it looked like he had four tits, none of which were in appropriate locations. Zuko gave the meat bulge a nod. "There you go. Keep them under there, and keep your sweater closed."

Danny looked around. "I could get in trouble-"

"That's right, so…" Zuko gave Meatbulge a pat. "Keep cool."

--

A pretty woman in her late thirties or early forties named Judy, dressed in her usual green dress and pearl necklace, looked over the vegetables (none of which, by coincidence, were named Judy). Her hair was of enormous proportions and it resembled antigravity fudge. Nonetheless, she was pretty for a slightly older woman, without excessive makeup or plastic surgery.

Pietro must have taken note of this. He walked up beside her at the cucumbers, grabbing one that was a bit larger than the one she was currently holding. "Mine's bigger than that."

"I beg your pardon?" She turned to him.

"My cucumber. It's bigger than that."

She turned away from him and back to the vegetables, which were suddenly of great importance, much more important than some desperate boy.

"Vegetables can be really sensuous, don't you think?" Pietro was just not quitting.

"No. Vegetables are sensu_al_. _People_ are sensuous."

"Imeanphallic," Pietro blurted, his words pushing together. He cleared his throat. "My name's Pietro Maximoff. They call me Quicksilver. It's my Chihiro name." he laughed heartily.

She ignored his slight outburst and addressed his second statement. "My name's Judy Neutron-Father, but they call me Mrs. Father."

Pietro laughed on the inside at her weird nickname, but put on an overacted 'wow-what-a-crazy-coincidence-no-way-eh-ma-gawd!' face. "Oh! We have a Dean Father at Miyazaki."

She mimicked his shock. "What a coincidence! I have husband named Dean Father at Miyazaki!"

Pietro bit his lip.

"You still want to show me your cucumber?"

--

Zuko quickly stepped through the otherwise empty checkout lane, not making eye contact with the Goth clerk, who was dressed in a midriff-revealing black shirt and black plaid skirt, plus black boots and hair. "Nothing for me today, thanks. Grocery stores are for commoners."

Danny also tried to make his way quickly through the checkout lane, but Meatbulge attracted too much attention.

The clerk grabbed him, popping gum. Black gum (ew!), the deathly smell of which washed over Danny like a foul wave. "It looks like you gained some weight since you came in here."

Danny looked to her, then to Meatbulge, then back to the clerk. "Uh, listen, it's a prank. I'm pledging a fraternity-"

"Don't have a pulmonary, I won't tell." She smiled and rolled her eyes.

A wide grin spread across Danny's face. "Thanks!"

--

Pietro was still making feeble attempts with Judy. He had tried _Want to tickle my pickle? _to keep up with the cucumber theme, but she either didn't get it or wanted him to think she didn't. "The Chihiro House is having a party tonight, and you are cordially invited."

She had to give a laugh at this. "I'm old enough to be your mother, almost. Besides, I have to go to the goddamn Senior Honors Dinner tonight." She practically spat her last words and rolled her eyes, knowing that someone should really change the title to Totoro Honors Dinner.

"Oh, well. Maybe some other time?"

"Doubtful."

Pietro smiled. "…Maybe?" How long had it been since Pietro heard "no"? Poor thing, poor thing.

--

Danny turned to the cute Goth clerk. "My name's Danny."

"I'm Sam."

So, if you're not busy, you wanna go to a fraternity party?"

"Will I be home by ten?"

"Anytime you want! I'll pick you up."

Sam rolled her eyes and scowled, revealing her black gum (_ew_!) again. "My dad would kill me if he knew I was going to a frat house (mygodIhatehim). Okay if I meet you there?"

"Is it okay?! It's terrif-" Danny's last syllable was cut off when a piece of Meatbulge fell out and he just barely caught it. He and Sam just laughed, but Meatbulge couldn't have been happy.

* * *


	8. Having Fun?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within or _Animal House_.**

**Take caution with reading this one, kiddos. **

Pietro snapped open the front door to Chihiro House, a mischievous smile etched on his face, poorly made white tablecloth toga, and a plaid bed sheet accenting it. "Girls, welcome to the Chihiro toga party! Grrrreat pair of togas, let me take your coats-" (He tossed them to the side, on the ground) "-Go help yourself to some Chihiro punch, condoms to your right, lube to your left, watch your step, don't go near Peter (he's feeding), I'll join you in a minute!" He was addressing Random Pretty Girl 1 and Random Pretty Girl 2.

Pietro ran across the house back into the living room, where the most fun, the loudest music, and the best beer was. He passed Double D, who was juggling corkscrews; despite his usual Double-D-ness, he knew how to have fun at the parties (evident in his toga and boldly clashing bowtie). Pietro then nearly ran into Tucker, who was decked out in a tuxedo that actually looked like it was worth something. A knockout girl with a deep and natural tan, bright green eyes, and long red hair was clad in a pastel pink dress, white gloves, and a nervous smile as she clutched Tucker's arm. Tucker introduced her. "Pietro, this is my girlfriend, Starfire!" Tucker was ecstatic to call such a pretty girl his girlfriend. Tucker addressed Starfire next. "This is my friend I was telling you about…"

Obscene thoughts raced through Pietro's head as he gave the ten a once-over. But instead of saying something vulgar (oh the temptation!) he said, "You're even prettier than how Tucker described you! What a great dress!" He didn't bother to mention that it was a _toga party_… that would have been embarrassing… besides, it was probably obvious; everyone else was wearing one. "He's a really lucky guy. Why don't we go sit down somewhere?"

Tucker stood with two drinks, one for his date, who mysteriously disappeared just a minute ago with Pietro, and one for him. Now alone, he died a little inside. Then he decided he'd probably need both of the drinks anyway.

--

On the dirty staircase, a hippie-looking blonde guy with a genuinely sweet smile, guitar in hand (it had cursive letters spelling _Apollo – God of Light and Music_) on the , and puffy-sleeved shirt sat with a ring of girls encompassing him. They looked incredibly focused on his every move. Apollo strung a chord, then started up a steady tune as he began to sing. "I gaaave my love a cherryyyyy, that haaaad nooo stoooonnne…" It was about this time that Peter, clad in a toga over loafers and nothing else, started coming down the stairs and stopped short when he heard the music. The girls and Apollo paid him no mind. "I gaaave my love a chickeeenn, that haaad nooo boooonnne. I gaaaave my love a stooorryyy, that haaad nooo eeennnd. I gaaaave my love a meloooonnn ba-" Apollo was cut off when Peter viciously lunged and grabbed his instrument, smashing it against the wall. Oh, and smash he did! Little bits of guitar went flying! It splintered! Splintered, I say! And the wall was not any better off! Oh dear, it's a good thing that it wasn't technically _their_ house, otherwise this would be quite a bad situation.

Anyway, Peter smashed and crunched and demolished, and when that was over with, he devoured! He bit off pieces of the guitar, flinging them all over the girls and Apollo with his jaw. A few of the girls had started shrieking.

Peter ceased. He handed the handle of the guitar back to Apollo. "…Sorry." Sensing the uneasiness, Peter ran away.

--

Danny waited outside in the humid yet cool air. Some people were outside, and cars were constantly pulling up, but even so, he was fairly isolated. In nervousness, he adjusted his toga. _Dammit, it's falling down. Of course it's falling down! It's a TOGA! Togas aren't meant for modern day bodies. If only Pietro had told me to wear underwear earlier!!_

_Earlier at the party…_

_Danny grabbed his head in frustration. "What do you mean I'm allowed to wear underwear too?! I thought this was supposed to be old-fashioned! I would have WORN UNDERWEAR!"_

_Pietro was unfazed by Danny's obvious irritation. "Dude, why would you want to wear underwear anyway if you have the _option_ to go free n' easy? You're __**weird**__."_

Danny sighed. There was nothing to be done about it now.

He looked up at a whirring noise. Danny smiled as Sam pulled up on an electric scooter, which she somehow managed to make look Gothic by painting it black, wrapping a chain around it, and painting a skull motif where her feet were. She was wearing a black toga with her usual purple lipstick and combat boots. "Hey!" She hugged Danny. "Sorry for the wait!"

"You look great!" Danny's grin practically popped off his face as they walked inside together.

"So do you! Anyway, I had to wait until my folks went out." Once they were unsafely inside, a rock band sending liver-vibrating chords crashing through the house, Danny handed her a glass of punch (he had assumed that she would be okay to drink a _little_ alcohol). Sam chugged it. Then she reached out towards a passing by Delta and grabbed a little shotglass filled with a garish red liquid. She downed it. Then she looked at Danny. "Can you get me some more punch? I've got a lot of catching up to do."

Danny was about to respond, trying to change the subject when he realized how likely it was that Sam would be getting drunk that night. But then he noticed a lull in the music, meaning that the band was about play a different song. "Do you want to dance?!"

Much to Danny's surprise, the goth liked the idea. "Yeah!!"

The band was, surprisingly enough, four live, non-animated guys. The front of the drum said 'Pete Wentz and Three Other Guys'. The guy with the microphone also had a bass guitar. "Alright, yeah!! How about this! Cartoons know how to party! How weird! What's really weird is I'm not even the real singer of this band!... Oh well… I'm gonna do a song anyway! A song redone a million times!... I'm so drunk! Anyways! YEAHHHH!"

"_You know you make me wanna SHOUT!_ _Kick my heels up and SHOUT! Throw my hands up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT! Come on now!"_

The crowd in the room was dancing wildly to the music, thrashing about with no real synchronization. Peter was of course in the middle of it, attempting what one could vaguely call dancing. Zuko was onstage, brooding as he drank a beer and somberly mouthed along with the music (he's too cool for dancing), a toga haphazardly thrown over his usual clothes and dark sunglasses accenting his moodiness.

--

The Lexus collided into the bumper of one of many cars parked at random in front of Chihiro House. Lucky for her, no one inside heard the slight crash over the music. Judy Neutron-Father leaned over the wheel to see. She backed away from the now dented car. But she overshot it and backed into another car. This time she didn't bother trying to move. She just stopped the car and got out.

Pietro noticed her outside and dashed out to see her. "Heyyy, Mrs. Dean. Um, Father-Neutron, um, JUDY! I'm so glad you came."

She smiled as he led the way inside. "Cut the crap. Give me a drink."

--

Before they could stop and try to handle things with common sense and grace, Sam and Danny were in his and Tucker's dorm room. She kissed him and pushed him back onto his bed, then took off her shirt and lowered her lips onto his. Danny hadn't ever really been a full-blown makeout session but had a strange feeling that this was it. _What happens in these?_ he wondered. _Should she be naked? If she does get naked, does that mean we have to have sex? Ohmygod! She's moaning! Is she okay? Should we have figured out a safe word?_ But after a minute or so, Danny realized she was fine_. Go for bra. Take it off. NO! Wait! Don't! Wait for her to say so. Wait – what if she doesn't say. What if you have work around a bra this whole time WHAT IF IT GETS TANGLED UP OHMYGOD! _

Still with his tongue in a position he had never before imagined it would be, Danny reached behind Sam for the back of her bra. He felt what he assumed would be _Uh, the, uh, the what's-it-called, the thing!_ the thing that would make it come off. He fingered it. There must be some way to get it off, but he honestly had no clue…

--

Pietro was thoroughly content, as it took very little time to lure Judy up to his bedroom. However, he knew this was just one of the first steps.

Smiling with pride, he turned on the elaborate light fixture he had on to 'nice and dim'. This way the date wouldn't be able to see many specific details of the room or drink he was making, should she decide to use it against him in court, but said date could still tell how hard he worked on his room for moments like this. The walls were lined with leopard print wallpaper, except for the wall behind the bed covered with mirrors. The bed itself had a red velvet comforter. Everything was like some cheap sex scene in a comedy movie.

Judy gave Pietro a look, then turned to the bar (yes, there was a rather nice little bar in his room), as if to say "Make with the cocktails!" She was already holding a glass of wine but didn't seem to care.

--

Danny pried and twisted and fingered, but it appeared the latch on the bra was beating him in a battle of wits. He said over Sam's shoulder, "I think it's… locked or something…"

--

Pietro made cocktails as he practiced his Cool Smirk. Just to be sure he was as cool as possible, he didn't take his eyes off Judy (to make it seem like he was a cocktail expert, but he was really spilling it all over the place). He scooped ice cubes in. Ended up with two he didn't need. Threw them over his shoulder. Something that sounded like glass broke.

--

If Danny wasn't also trying to focus on kissing, he would have cried out of frustration. Bras really weren't his thing.

Finally sensing his frustration, Sam chuckled and pushed herself up off of him. "Here," She unhooked it, then paused.

Unsure of what to do in her sudden pause, Danny reached up and grasped it to take it off.

Sam passed out, falling on to her back on the bed with a drunken smile on her face.

Danny was frozen in shock looking at the naked upper half of her body (tonight was full of firsts).

With a poof came Danny's little Shoulder Slacker!

"_C'mon, fuck her,_" He whispered into Danny's ear.

Danny just stared, slowly turning to look at Shoulder Slacker (who looked a lot like Danny but with messier clothes, hair, and stubble) in desperation.

"_Fuck her!_" he insisted again, as if Danny just didn't hear him the first time. "_Do anything you want. Go around the world with her. Positions you wouldn't normally get to, y'know? You know she wants it_."

Poof! Shoulder Superhero! Shoulder Superhero also looks like Danny, but neater and… more heroic. "_Daniel, I'm surprised at you! For shame!_"

Shoulder Slacker 'pfft-ed'. "_Don't listen to that jack-off. Look at her __**boobs**__! You'll never get a better chance._" Danny, still with a blank look of shock on his face, made a move to reach towards her chest.

"_If you make a move on that poor, sweet, helpless, overly made-up girl, you'll despise yourself forever!"_ Shoulder Superhero insisted with his arms crossed all serious-like.

Danny put his hand down and sighed.

"_I'm proud of you, Daniel._" Poof.

"_DOUCHE._" Poof.

* * *


	9. Dan Akroyd!

Danny pushed a shopping cart full of Sam down the street right off campus, glancing around to make sure nobody was watching, because if someone were to stop him and ask him questions, he would have _noooo _idea what to say. He stopped in front of Sam's McMansion, carefully wheeled her up to the front porch, and rang the doorbell. He ran away. Sam awoke from her inebriated sleep and looked around with a 'Hey! This is my house!' smile.

Mayor Adam West threw open the door. He saw Sam, who waved and giggled.

--

"My fault?! For chrissakes', West, how could it be my fault?!" He kept his pink-and-yellow robe wrapped around himself. It was bad enough that he had to deal with his drunken wife at this time of night, stumbling into their house and knocking things over, but now the mayor was on his case about _his_ drunken daughter. "One of those goddamn fraternities, I guess… I don't know, but I have damn good idea which one!!" He would have lit something on fire by now to calm himself down, but they just got new wallpaper. "I'M GOING TO STRING THEM UP BY THE BALLS!" His wife Judy stuck her feet in his face, giggling at this, fancying herself the funniest person on Earth. He pushed her away and she fell off the bed. "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN!" The dean gave up and a cloud of warmth erupted around him.

Judy found this even funnier.

--

Trixie walked in the hallway towards the student courtroom. She flipped her hair back and glanced at the Miyazaki College Newspaper - a title that took the writing staff days to come up with - that her cheerleader friend Veronica was holding. Dean Father's wife was being sent to a relaxation resort, which the students took to mean rehab (they were right, of course) ever since word leaked of her sex scandal. Trixie let out a girly little sigh. "I bet it was Pietro Maximoff."

Veronica's cliché blue eyes widened. "Seee-riously? You heard that?!"

"Well, no…" Trixie admitted. "But you'd surprised at some of the girls he's had… _very_ surprised…"

They passed Zuko and Mai, who were standing by their dark, antisocial selves a few feet away from the student courtroom, watching as students poured in. Mai observed Trixie and Veronica over her shoulder until they disappeared from view. She turned back to Zuko, a slight look of boredom on her face. "Must have been some party."

Zuko mirrored her look of apathy. "Unbelievable. A new low. I'm so ashamed."

"Almost sorry I missed it. What'd you do, human sacrifice?"

"That's a good idea, I'll keep it in mind. Couldn't hurt this place."

"You're right, it is a _lovely_ day."

He finally smirked, letting her win. He stretched a bit. "Buy me dinner tonight?"

"Can't tonight. Busy." She quickly turned into the sort-of-courtroom.

_Busy? _Zuko mulled over it, his face turning sour as he angrily tugged a black blazer on over his black shirt and made his way across the courtroom. He yanked out a seat at a table at the front of the room, occupied already by Double D and Pietro. Double D was in a nice suit (with which his usual black sock-shaped hat clashed) and he waved over his briefcase. Pietro greeted him with a mock-sexual eyebrow raise. On their side of the courtroom, all the Chihiro House members sat in their awkward glory, a mass of hangovers and worn-once clothing.

The Totoro House members on the other side, with Robin, Beast Boy, and one with slicked black hair (identified as Reggie Mantle and as having no personality traits other than being a jerk), were sharply contrasting – neat little outfits with dry-cleaned blazers and pastels and good posture.

The two houses had little interaction, which was more noticeable than if they had tons. Occasionally a Chihiro would make a sneer or an obscene gesture at a Totoro, who would passive-aggressively make a show of ignoring it. Hate seemed to radiate out of either side towards each other and hang in the air like heat. It radiated out of a compost heap of buried memories of tattling for cheating and parties and drugs, tattling out of their own resentment or boredom or jealousy. Regardless, every day, every party, and every look added a new layer of resentment.

Scott Summers, in a three-piece suit, acted as a justice with a line of staff members (including Dean Wormer as head and Jean, preparing to take down a record of the court proceedings with her little notebook, pen, and cashmere turtleneck). He banged the gavel in a '_Look at me! I have a gavel!_' fashion. He cleared his throat. "Please take your seats. We'll proceed directly with charges against the Chihiro Household." He nodded to Robin. "Sergeant-at-Arms, Robin."

A slight chorus of hissing from a certain side rose and dissolved.

Robin stood. "The following charges are brought: First, that the Chihiro House knowingly violated the rules governing pledge recruitment…" (Dramatic pause!) "… by serving alcohol to freshmen during pledge week and after established drinking hours."

Double D got up with a nervous, crooked smile. "I-I'd like to address these charges one at a time, i-if I may…"

"You'll get your chance, smart guy!" Dean Father snapped. Double D let out a scared squeak and sat back down. Dean Father gestured to Robin. "Get on with it."

Robin shifted his position deliberately away from the Chihiros. "Second, that for the fifth consecutive semester…" (Dramatic pause again! Oh my!) "… Chihiro has achieved a deficient grade point average-"

"H-half the houses didn't make grades!" Double D stuttered, standing up.

"You will speak when you're told to, and not before!!" Dean Father pointed at him.

Double D bit his lip and blinked a few times. "Yessir." The force of him crashing back down into his seat sent it skidding back a couple feet.

Robin gave a little the-nerve-of-some-people head shake. "Third, that the Chihiro members routinely provided dangerous narcotic diet pills to its members…" (He's just full of them tonight, ladies and gentlemen!) "…to its members during midterm exam week-"

"That's not true!!" Double D shot up once again.

"NOT ANOTHER WORD."

Double D sat again, picked his briefcase up, and clutched it to his chest like a teddy bear, murmuring something to it.

"And most recently, that a toga party was held…" (There he goes again.) "… from which we received…" (Dramatic pause.) "…two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion…" (Dramatic pause!) "… so profound and disgusting…" (One more time!) "…_that decorum prohibits listing them here_."

Peter smiled at the memories.

Double D's left arm twitched.

Pietro leaned back and forth in his seat, anxious to jump in.

Zuko brooded.

Mai checked her reflection in a little black compact, not shaken by the accusations in the slightest.

Jean wrote with rapid speed.

Trixie looked at Scott, then to Pietro, then scowled at Jean.

Scott banged the gavel.

"These are the charges as submitted to this day. Faithfully submitted, Robin, Sergeant-at-Arms."

On cue, the Chihiros hissed again.

"Well done," Father nodded to Robin (when he said well done, he of course meant "Thanks for helping me nail these bastards!").

"Eddward will speak for Delta House," Scott looked up to Double D.

The Chihiros erupted into loud applause, complete with shouts of Double D's name and whistling.

Double D gave a nervous laugh before starting, still clutching the briefcase. Pietro took it away before he started. "I-I-I don't th-think you can fully judge a fraternity, um, er, without looking at the positive qualities of the people in it." He cleared his throat, now stuttering less after getting started. "The Chihiro House has a long tradition of existence to its members-"

"_Existence_? Of course it exists! What the hell does that mean?"

"…Pietro…"

"Sorry. Continue."

"-to its members and to the community at large-"

"We've heard enough, Mr. Chairman," Dean Father shuffled papers.

Double D's look changed to one of shock. "I-I was told I'd have a chance to-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH. The court will now decide."

"But…! You said-"

"HE SAID THAT'S IT, ARE YOU DEAF?" Robin's molars showed.

"Let's finish this damn thing," Father whispered to Scott.

"_BLOWJOB!_" Peter coughed into his palm.

"_Blowjob!_"

"_Blowjob!_"

"_Blowjob, blowjob!_" The Chihiros had become a chorus of coughs and shouts.

"I don't think it's fair!" Empowered by his house's support, Double D spoke again.

Zuko brooded.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S FAIR AND WHAT'S NOT…!" Dean Father was positively on fire.

"_DAN AKROYD!_" Peter hacked again.

"_Dan Akroyd!_" And different round of coughing followed.

Double D opened his mouth to say something but instead looked to the twitchy Pietro and (yup, still) brooding Zuko. "Hey, can you tell these assholes to shut up?!"

"HEY SHUT UP, YOU ASSHOLES." Zuko shouted at them.

Father simmered, looked at some more papers, and his glare intensified as Pietro stood up, "Point of parliamentary procedure!"

"Do we have to listen to this bull?" he growled at Scott.

Scott sighed.

Double D grabbed the sleeve of Pietro's blazer (over a t-shirt). "Don't screw around! Please! They're serious this time!"

"Hey, Double D, take it easy. I'm in prelaw!"

Zuko brooded. "No, you're not."

"SHUT UP, SMARTASS! This is my battle! You don't know _anything_ about _warfare_, I bet! ANYWAY! Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief!"

"What do you think he's up to?" Father hissed to Scott, who shrugged and turned back to Pietro. Father did the same and envisioned a great fiery death.

"The issue here is not whether we took a few liberties with our female guests…" He turned to the Dean. "We _did_." (Wink nod cool finger point.) "Buuuuut, you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the actions of a few perverted sick freaks, that's just wrong, man, come on!!"

Dean Father had to think for a minute to hear what he said, his words came out so fast. "Are you on crack, son?"

"Hey don't interrupt me, listen to me, come on! I mean, if you do, shouldn't we blame the fraternity system as a whole, and if the whole system is guilty then isn't this a reflection of our educational systems in general?! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! What now?" He gestured wildly as his Chihiro brothers cheered, sensing he was winning and supportive but probably at a loss as far as understanding what he was saying went. "You can do whatever the hell you want to us, YOU HEAR ME I AIN'T SCARED but we won't sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Chihiro, _out_!" He ran off.

"What the hell?" Beast Boy asked no one in particular.

"HEY! YOU'RE NOT WALKING OUT ON THIS ONE, MISTER!" Dean Father boomed.

The other Chihiros rose and began to file out, humming the National Anthem as they made their way out, many of them flipping off Dean Father and the Totoros.

"YOU'RE FINISHED! NO MORE CHIHIRO!"

Peter stole the flag on his way out. Tucker laughed until it hit him in the eye by mistake (kinda sorta).

"I'M CALLING THE NATIONAL OFFICE… I'M GOING TO REVOKE YOUR CHARTER!"

Robin was using all his willpower not to just pounce on them right then and there, fingering the shuriken he kept at his side.

"IF YOU WISE GUYS TRY ONE MORE THING…"

Double D rose, clutching his briefcase, scampered towards the door, randomly scampered in a tight circle, then left.

"ONE MORE THING, I'LL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS COLLEGE!"

Even though most of the others had left already, Zuko didn't find enough reason to care to get up until now. He slowly made his way out.

"NO MORE FUN OF ANY KIND…!" Many teachers were rushing to put out the fire that had sparked Reggie Mantle's hair and the chair Scott was sitting in.


	10. Vasquez College

**HEY! LISTEN!: ****I understand that you may find the Jesus scene offensive. I apologize if you do. It's just meant to imitate the _Family Guy_ sort of random humor, and they've used that, um, special guest star before, possibly more than once. So again, if you feel like mouthing off to me or flaming me, go ahead, or if you just want to let me know how offended you are, your review is still as welcome as it ever was. ****Just try not to take the scene too seriously.**

**And also, a note about the usage of the word "faggot": I don't believe in using the word, and I avoid it whenever possible. But again, it's more about imitating the character's origin - Jhonen used the word in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (and he probably doesn't like tossing the word around either - it's for effect.)**

**Now that we're done with that, let's see, what's notable about this chapter... well, I was going to include the whole Dexter Lake Club scene here, but it got to be a little extensive. So no, I am not cutting it out, I'm just changing it up bit for obvious reasons.**

**And Deathley is Epically Awesome Insanity's OC. I like Deathley, and I decided to tuck her in for a small role. If you want to use Deathley in your stuff, you'll have to ask Epically Awesome Insanity. **

**Oh and weak conclusion. I know. Throw me a friggin' bone here. Think of it as a... precursor? Cliffhanger? Weak conclusion that you need to get over? Interpret it as you will.**

* * *

Robin was attempting to thrill the Totoro pledges with blown-up fight stories as they sat under the spacious, clean, white porch at Totoro House. "Then I said to Slade 'I'll pop a cap in your ass!'…" He paused when he saw Danny and Zuko from Chihiro House walking by, looking somewhat gloomy. Since their charter was taken away, now would be a nice time to needle them some more and really make them die a little inside. "Hey, how's it feel to be an independent, Zuko?"

Zuko bit his lip and didn't look their way. He kept his voice low, "How's it feel to be burned slowly from the crotch up as your house smolders in front of you…"

"What did you say?!"

"I said, how's it feel to be an asshole, Robin?!"

They walked further down the street. Danny rubbed his hands, partially due to the brisk fall air and partially due to nervousness. "Double D says we can't even enter a float in the Homecoming Parade."

Zuko 'pfft'ed. "A great loss. Papier-mâché covered hunks of cardboard carrying around brain-dead zombies down our lifeless streets."

Danny didn't say anything else.

"Fuck them all, I say."

Danny looked to the side.

Zuko looked like a great idea hit him as they reached Chihiro House. "Hey, you know where we can get a bunch of lighters, Bedussey?"

"Look!" Danny's voice cracked a bit. He was relieved he didn't have to answer that.

A large moving truck was parked in front of the damaged house, and brawny men were carrying out all the furniture of the house - a saggy couch, a broken pinball machine, an old-fashioned jukebox, a treasure chest full of gold and jewelry, and another treasure chest (filled with chicken bones). The members of the house could only look on with sad, dead eyes.

Double D scampered over. "Zuko, they confiscated everything! Even the stuff we didn't steal!"

"They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!!" Bender shouted.

A guy came out carrying a cardboard box full of random bottles of gin. He slipped (probably on more alcohol) and fell off the porch, smashing the liquor.

Peter cried out in pain. "Crap! This is worse than the time I spilled water on Jesus!"

--

Peter was rubbing a wet cloth filled with seltzer water on none other than the toga of Jesus Christ himself (besides the fact that this was at their last toga party, Jesus always wears a toga). "Jesus, I'm sorry, Jesus," he apologized. "I didn't know it would turn to red wine as soon as it touched you."

"It's no problem," the savior said in a placating tone as he scratched his goatee. "I know a really good dry cleaner."

"But this stuff never comes out!"

"Trust me, Peter, I know a few miracle workers."

--

Pietro popped up. "Hey! What's going on?!"

"They're taking everything!" Double D had curled up into the fetal position on the somewhat moist, dirty ground, rocking himself slowly.

Pietro shrugged and grabbed a bottle of scotch from one of the passing movers and tossed it to Peter, all in one fluid movement.

Every Chihiro House member looked up to see what Peter would do. Even Double D ceased his rocking a bit.

Peter chugged it in about five seconds. "Thanks, I needed that!" He threw the empty bottle behind himself and it went through the window of whoever's car was unfortunate enough to be behind him. Then the car burst into flames.

Zuko scowled as the last bit of furniture, the broken gas oven, was moved out. "This is ridiculous."

"What are we going to do?" Pietro asked, louder than was necessary.

He and Zuko spoke in unison, but Pietro said "Road trip!" and Zuko said "Declare war!"

Pietro whipped around to face him. "NO! Dammit! You haven't learned a thing from spending time with me!"

"Maybe a road trip in a tank?"

"No, we compromised last time."

--

The controls to the alien ship had been confiscated from Tucker by Pietro. He had to run to follow Pietro's speed-walking pace, pleading with him, hoping against all hope Pietro might listen. "No! Please! You can't take it! Dib wrote the mileage down, and I don't even know where it indicates the mileage on the thing… or speed or gas for that matter! He wants it back by Sunday! Please don't take the shiiiip!"

Pietro had led the way back into the nearly empty house. He stopped in a dark hallway where the house phone was kept – it had zebra stripes painted on it. How tacky! Maybe that was why the movers hadn't taken it (or maybe the stripes were camouflage). "Look, if you won't bend the rules for your best frat buddies, who will you bend it for? Besides, I bet it's no big deal. Look, I'll call up Dib just to prove it to you!" He pressed the numbers with light speed. "…Yo, Dib? Hey, it's Pietro, remember me? Quicksilver? Right! How ya been?" He noticed Tucker had paused in his panic and was watching him curiously.

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again."

"Yeah, we just wanted to take a nice little road trip out to the weird girls' college, you know the place, Vasquez College. Just your little apprentice, his roommate, Zuko – you remember Zuko – and me!... That's what I thought!"

"If you'd like to make a call…"

"Thanks!" Pietro hung up the phone. "No big deal! Let's get going!" He dragged Tucker back to the cool outdoors. "He wants Zuko to drive though, 'cause you guys are freshmen, and I'm certainly not driving that whatever-the-crap ship you've got."

--

Zuko sat staring at the controls. There was a menagerie of colorful buttons, a joystick, and what looked like a normal steering wheel. A miniature refrigerator was underneath. "Why the hell am I expected to know how to work this?"

He was ignored by the others as Pietro, riding shotgun, began banging some part of the controls with a small screen. "Where's the radio on this thing?" He glanced at Zuko. "What are you waiting for? Go! I'll figure this out!"

"I don't know how to-"

"Guys, if this ship gets damaged, both Dib and the scary alien girl this actually belongs to are going to kill me!" Tucker poked his head up front.

Danny was trying to worm his way out of his seat, which was too small for him. He came out with a pop, his knees banging the back of the seat in front of him, but his head was alright – the ship had a roomy top "It's like this ship was built for really small aliens with big heads or something."

Pietro rapidly pressed a bunch of buttons. The ship elevated, plopped back down, vibrated, and shot a laser and took off a chunk of the street. Pietro looked up, horrified.

"Nice one," Zuko commented.

"Shut up! You can't even get it to go, Burnt Face Man!" He faced Tucker. "Do something! Make it GO!"

"Um, I may have forgotten… I've only driven it a couple times…" He leaned forward to inspect it. He pressed a button and nothing happened. He pressed another button and the radio came on. "Hang on, I think I've… got it!" Tucker grinned and punched a big red button.

Danny was ejected through the windshield.

The three others stared at Danny on the street in front of them.

"Nice one."

Tucker felt around. "There's a 'new windshield' button too…"

--

After they had finally gotten the ship going, Tucker sat twitching in his seat after Pietro had filled him and Danny in on his clever plan. But it just made Tucker even more nervous. "I heard Vasquez girls are fast. What should I say, Pietro?"

Pietro cracked open a beer. "Just mention macabre paintings, ancient voodoo practices, or making fun of people, and whatever chick you get will totally jump your bones."

Danny raised an eyebrow, still uncertain. "You sure we have dates?"

"Absolutely! Zuko, what's this chick's name again?"

Zuko handed him an article, not taking his eyes off the road. As Pietro looked at it, Zuko flicked the joystick and one of the legs of the alien ship took out a chunk of road. Zuko whipped around to face Danny. "Don't you ever mess with the driver! See what happens?!"

"What?"

Pietro tossed the article into the backseat. "Her name was Kimiko Tohomiko. She was from Tokyo and trained for a while as some sort of fighting monk."

Tucker rocked back and forth in anticipation. "Oh man! I hope I score!"

--

They had reached some freaky college with Gothic, mean-looking décor. Pietro bounded out of the ship and shouted, "Bring the ship around! I'll be right back!" He made his way into the dormitories, where a large, unhappy face was painted on the side.

Inside was different. There were practically no decorations, just a staircase leading downstairs only, a couch and end table with a half-finished slushie melting on top, and a desk with a phone and computer where a girl with large bat wings, swirly blonde hair in a stylish low ponytail, and sapphire-colored eyes sat. She also had a fur coat, but Pietro pretended not to be put off and figured the bat stuff was a costume (he was wrong, though - that brown fur was real). He approached her and put on his winning smile. "Excuse me, miss."

She looked away from the computer. "Can I help you?"

"I'm here to pick up Kimiko Tohomiko."

She raised her eyebrows. "Kimiko? Oh, great… just a minute." She quickly picked up the phone and scooted her rolling chair away from Pietro. "Hey, Sakura? It's Deathley, from the desk. Could you come down here for a minute?... Because someone's here to pick up KIMIKO, that's why! Get down here!" She hung up.

Pietro kept his oblivious smile on. "Is she coming down?"

"Uh. Her roommate is." Deathley looked away, like she didn't really know how to handle situation. She sighed.

After a few more seconds, another girl came up the staircase. She was very pretty, with short pink hair, wide green eyes, and a red dress that showed off her athletic figure. She was grasping a newspaper clipping tightly in her hand.

Pietro liked the sight of her, but didn't let his horny self take over. It was way too early… it would ruin everything. "Good evening!"

She looked uneasy and looked to the ground, giving a shaky sigh before looking at Pietro. "I'm Sakura Haruno, Kimiko's roommate."

"Hi, she told me about you. I'm, uh, Lance Alvers. I'm from Bayville. I'm her fiancé."

Sakura's mouth dropped. "Her f-…?"

"Actually, we're engaged to be engaged!" He laughed. "Gosh, what's the matter with everyone here…?"

"Why don't we sit down, Lance," She led him to the couch and gestured for him to sit down with her. "I don't how to tell you this, so I'm just going to tell you… Kimiko's dead."

Deathley couldn't help looking up from her computer.

"Dead?" Pietro laughed out loud. "Oh, that minx! Did she put you up to this?" He snickered again. "What a lively sense of humor!" He stopped laughing when Sakura handed him the article. He looked at it, the happiness slowly being replaced by shock. "_Sophomore dies in retrieval of ancient artifact?_" He looked off into the distance and put a hand to his head.

Sakura's eyes began to well up. "I'm so sorry, Lance!"

Deathley lowered her head at the mention of the death. "Sad, really. Nice girl..."

"I just talked to her last week. She was going to show me her latest laptop accessory from Tokyo." His tone was distant.

Sakura grabbed his hand. "If there's anything I can do…"

Pietro's shock now turned into grief. "You're so nice. I really shouldn't impose on you."

"No, please! Anything!"

Pietro hesitated. "I just don't think I should be alone tonight." He gave her a desperate look. "Would you go out with me?"

She gave him a caring smile. "I'll get my coat!"

Just as she walked away, Pietro quickly added, working the puppy dog eyes as much as he could, "Oh, and could you get three dates for my friends?"

--

Now inside the cramped ship were Otter, Sakura, Zuko, Danny, Tucker, Deathley from the front desk, a blonde girl with a baseball cap, and a skinny guy with a grim face. It was cramped enough that Deathley had to get up on Zuko's lap and the blonde onto Danny's. Pietro had taken over driving the ship (and was bad at it).

Deathley glared at Zuko. "Move your hand!!"

"That's not my hand."

"Thanks a lot, Sakura. I'll remember this."

Zuko tried to look at Tucker's "date", whom Tucker had moved his body as far away from and as close to the edge of the ship as possible. Zuko forced a slight smile. "I wasn't aware Vasquez College had gone coed."

He gave an eerie grin. "Oh, what are you gonna do! My name's Johnny! You can call me Nny!"

"Bedussey, I… I think I need another beer…" Pietro's voice trailed off (he seemed to have forgotten he was driving). Sakura gave him a very worried look. Zuko rolled his eyes.

Tucker finally gave in. He realized he wouldn't be getting laid that night, but maybe he could make a new friend – Johnny seemed normal enough. "My main interests are macabre art, making fun of people, and ancient voodoo practices. What about y-"

"YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE?!" Johnny lost it. "YOU DO THAT FOR A HOBBY? YOU LIKE MAKING FUN OF ME? AM I A SKINNY LITTLE FAGGOT LIKE THEY ALWAYS SAY? HUH? HUH?!" He whipped out a pair of pliers.

Tucker shouted in fear.

"Nny, please give it a rest," the blonde said.

"Why should he, Kit?" Deathley asked her. She shuddered slightly at Nny. Granted, one would imangine she was used to this via Toonslaying, but the bat was just too weirded out by the boy's behavior. _Vasquez boys -- oi!_ "It would be much more fun going there." She pointed at the nightclub that Pietro had chosen.

Zuko actually looked a little happy for the first time that night when he read the sign about who was performing. "Pietro! Pete Wentz and Three Other Guys! Great choice!" The ship stumbled and stopped. They made their way out, but only Danny remembered to attempt to be a man an help his date out (she declined). "Wait'll they see us. They LOVED us."


	11. MIND IF WE DANCE WITH YOUR DATES?

**Disclaimer: I own neither the cartoons used within nor any part of _Animal House. _I also don't own any other characters represented in this chapter. And I don't own the foods I mention.**

**See? What'd I tell ya? Dexter Lake Club scene, not untouched, but still present. **

**All the foodstuffs at the fast food place were taken from the Mr. Meaty's menu available at Nickelodeon's website. I really liked that show. I'm pretty much the only person I know who did. **

**If you can tell me some of who the characters are that steal their dates, then you get... oh let's see, what can I give you... how about a chapter preview? Oh, and catch the _Caddyshack_ reference and win confidence!**

**And Deathley is still EA-Insanity's OC. **

The crowd cheered for the band that night, Pete Wentz and Three Other Guys. The frontman and bassist took the mic temporarily. "We're so happy to be back here at the Bushwood Club! We'd like to do a tune entitled _Sugar, We're Goin Down_. So hit it!" Rock music kicked in. The crowd gave another quick cheer and then those on the dance floor began dancing (or thrashing, depending on how you see it).

Meanwhile, outside, Zuko led the way into the club, while Tucker squealed over the ship, "Ohmygod! It's dented and talking!"

They burst in.

The music stopped. All eyes were on the eight cartoons.

Pietro whistled. "We're gonna die!"

The singer looked around awkwardly, and then the band started up the music again, pretending nothing had happened. The crowd reluctantly began dancing around again.

The boys and their dates found a booth near a corner and crawled in as Danny whispered fearfully to Zuko, "Zuko! We're the only cartoons here! Everybody else is live action! Are you sure-"

"Don't worry," Zuko didn't get into the booth, his usual apathetic tone a poor substitute for something soothing. He headed toward the bar, attempting to ignore the dirty looks, odd stares, and occasional snickers. The mean-looking, slightly elderly bartender in clothing with a slight seventies style wasn't looking at him much differently. Despite this, Zuko ordered. "One shot of vodka, six beers – what the hell do bats drink? – make it seven beers."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Johnny shouted to Zuko, standing up in the booth and attracting more unwanted attention. "I want a Shirley Temple! Haven't had one in years! They're so good!"

"Uh… vodka, six beers, and one Shirley Temple."

"And a little umbrella!!"

Zuko bit his lip and clenched his fist. "And. A little. Umbrella." A pale, sickly-looking man with crazy black-and-white hair sat next to him. Zuko turned to him, in an attempt to make polite conversation, and the guy flashed a blood-covered barber's tool. Zuko turned back away from him. _Never mind then. _He waved at the band. "Pete! My man!"

The bassist paused in his riff for a minute, to give Zuko a look that was one part "Who the hell is interrupting me?" and one part "Who the hell ARE you?"

Sensing the discomfort, Zuko quickly took the drinks over to his table, where things weren't much better.

"So… you girls come here often?" Tucker tried.

Sakura turned to Pietro. As soon as he realized she was going to turn her attention to him, he put his grave, melancholy face back on. Sakura put her hand on his shoulder. "Lance, are you alright?" she asked over the music.

"Yeah… this is really fun…" Pietro made the perfect smile of one attempting to fake enthusiasm and failing. Then he covered his face with one hand and squirmed his way out of the booth. He left the club.

Sakura gave a little "Oh!" and got up, putting her hand to her heart.

She followed him as he got in the backseat of the ship (good thing it was open because Pietro didn't know a thing about locking or unlocking it). He leaned forward with his head in his hands. Sakura touched his shoulder again. "Lance? I'm really sorry. I know what you must be going through. Would you rather be alone?"

Attempting to make his own advancements without the help of Pietro, Danny made small talk with Deathley. "What are you majoring in?"

"Celebrity psychology," She looked bored, staring at the band.

Meanwhile, back in libido land…

"I need you so much," Pietro was trying to force tears, but they weren't coming tonight. He was a little too drunk. At least it was dark out – she mainly had his voice to work with.

She was hugging him. "I'm here!"

"Move to your left a little…"

In the club, a few scary-looking people had gathered around the booth. A redheaded guy in Florida clothing stood above the booth, with an intense smile. A blonde woman in a yellow tracksuit with a sword at her side stood beside him. The man who plunked down in the booth next to them had mean blue eyes, gray stubble, and a cane. And the guy in dark clothes with a baseball hat almost obscuring his menacing stare and thick eyebrows stood in front of the table.

Tucker sat on his shaking hands. "W-where do you go to s-school?"

"I wonder where 'Lance' is! Maybe I should go look for him!" Danny's voice cracked. He attempted to push his way out, but Kit dragged him back.

Since he was wondering, we'll clarify. Pietro was having a great time in the ship! He had long since gotten to kissing Sakura and they had now entered make-out mode. "I used to touch Kimiko this way…"

"I know. She told me."

Pietro paused in shock. But then gave a very slight shrug and went back to making out.

The situation inside was quite the opposite. The baseball capped man spoke. "Do you mind if we dance with your dates?" His voice was deep and menacing.

Zuko stood up. He was of fair height, and the guy still had a few inches on him. "No. Not at all. Go right ahead."

The guy looked at the table and swiped his hand across the air. The table and drinks went flying to the side. He offered his hand to Deathley, who hesitantly took it. The Floridian-looking guy gave his hand (with dried blood under the fingernails) to Kit. The blonde woman led Johnny out, who exclaimed, "This is fun! Oh, but I need a new drink!"

The guy with the cane smiled. "This might get somewhat perilous for you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be-"

"Leaving. What a great idea." Zuko stood up. He seemed calm, albeit a little freaked.

Then Danny, Zuko, and Tucker ran as fast as they could out of the club. They darted across the parking lot, shouting their heads off (so much for maybe not attracting attention to themselves?) until they reached their weird vehicle.

Sakura shrieked in surprise. Pietro had by then successfully gotten her dress unzipped and was worming his way into it, but she jumped out of the open window of the spaceship with surprising athleticism, following her fight-or-flight instinct (when three hollering college boys hurtled into the ship – can you really blame her?).

"Hey!" Pietro said.

Zuko had the controls again, for better or for worse. "Compose yourself, Pietro, we gotta get out of here."

Tucker was shaking. "The live action-ies took our dates!"

Zuko took to his usual methods of pressing whatever looked right. The ship fell backwards, sending Danny flying to the back of the ship (should have buckled his seatbelt!). Then the ship gave a violent lean to the front, hitting the ground, and Danny was thrown against the windshield. The ship's laser gun came out, but shot caramel out of it.

Zuko looked at the gooey mess. "When would you ever need to use that?"

"Nooo! You're gonna ruin the ship!" Tucker squealed. "The lever joystick thing!"

"Oh," Zuko easily got the ship moving with it. Like something from War of the Worlds, they took off rather fast and bashed into a tree as they left the club.

"Ohmygod! This will cost hundreds of… I don't know what the alien currency is! Please slow down!!"

--

The three girls and Johnny walked home alone, past midnight. Deathley and Kit looked pissed off, Sakura was pensive, and Nny was exuberant.

Kit said, "What I totally don't get it is why the hell Kimiko would go out with dudes like _that_! They reminded me of criminals, or carnies or something."

Johnny snapped out of his happy trance. "What? Who's a criminal? Carnies are scary."

"I'll say."

"Whatever, that's the last time I go out with a guy I didn't pick," Deathley didn't look traumatized, more like she just wanted to be home.

"I don't know, I thought Lance was kind of cute," Sakura said.

"EWWW!" All three others said.

Sakura continued to speak over the others, who were still making disgusted little noises. "I felt really sorry for him! He started crying and…"

--

The ship came to a stop at the little electronic speaker in the takeout lane of McNasty's. The windshield opened up and Pietro leaned the whole top half of his body out. "Hi! We'd like to order two purple-flavored slushies, one insulin-flavored, one candy-flavored, four beers-"

"We don't have beer!"

"Fuck you! I'm in the middle of my order! Where was I? Ah yes, we'll have one order of Roast Beef Nuggets, two Big Meatys-"

"Wait, who's the second for?" Danny asked.

"You, you idiot."

"I wanted Dom DeLuise's Windowsill."

"Is that even food? What are you talking about?"

"It's on the menu."

"…So it is!" Back to the speaker, "Fine. Replace one Big Meaty with a Windowsill thing."

"So that's one Slab-O-Gristle, one Big Meaty, one Roast Beef Nuggets, and four slushies, which we don't sell here, by the way." The clerk sounded bored.

"What?! No- wait- what- agh! No Gristle! The Windowsill thing! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!"

"Ohhh. Okay."

"And replace the slushies with four Cokes then, I guess."

Tucker leaned over. "One diet. That sugar is bad for you."

"No it's not. One diet, three regular, did you get that? We also wanted one more thing – dammit, I haven't even ordered for myself yet – one Buffalo Lover's Burger. I'm experimenting today." Pietro's torso was still leaning out the side.

Zuko, who was looking over Pietro's flailing legs, said something for the first time that scene. "Bad news."

"What NOW? I just got everything in."

"While you were messing up everyone's orders, I had time totally rethink mine."

Pietro gave him an evil look as he slowly shifted back to his seat. "Fine then. You change it."

"Wait…" The clerk interrupted. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Can you repeat the whole thing?"

--

No answer at the pay phone. Zuko frowned and hung up. The windshield of the ship slowly went up with a whirring noise, letting him in to the feeding frenzy inside. Pietro immediately asked him, "What'd Mai say?"

"She wasn't home. Where could she be at 5:30 AM?"

"What's up with you two?"

"Why do you think I know?" He sighed. "Something's wrong."

Tucker sighed and put his arms around Pietro and Zuko's shoulders. "Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Am I right, guys?"

They slowly turned towards him, with identical looks of disgust and disbelief. Tucker backed off.

--

Meanwhile, back at Miyazaki College and what may as well be another dimension, Totoro House was preparing their papier-mâché float for the Homecoming Parade. It was likely to be wholesome, colorful, and full of morals and stuff. And possibly white-supremacist.

Scott, in pressed khakis and a wool blazer, was overseeing the operation – everyone was getting their hands dirty at some point, even Scott, but the pledges were putting more hard labor in. Trixie stood by in one of her usual precious little lilac-and-white getups, holding a can of glue at arm's length for Scott and the others to use as they wished. She was the only girl there and relishing this fact.

"Trixie, do you know where Jean is?" Scott said his first non-small talk words to her that day. "She was supposed to come and help make drinks."

"Sure don't," Trixie's flawless grin was unnerving, the way it widened a bit when he asked Trixie that question. "She said she was just going to dye- oops! I mean, _wash_ her hair…" Her voice was saccharine.

"That's typical. Just when we're doing something important."

Trixie watched Scott go about his grouchy, gluey way, until her smile suddenly disappeared and she put the can on the ground. She covered her face and gave a loud, dry sob. "Oh, Scott! I hate to see her make such a loser out of you!"

Now Scott finally turned all the way around to look at her (at least, he was probably looking at her. With those sunglasses, he could have been looking _past her_, or at her breasts, or at the glue. Assume what you will). "What do you mean?"

She sobbed again (but still no real tears). "I mean… Jean and Pietro are having an affair!!"

Scott's eyes widened behind his red sunglasses. Overwhelmed, he took a seat on the edge of the float.

Trixie's smile returned. "But I love you, Scott! That's why I had to tell you!"

Scott flipped the thought around his well-groomed head, running his hand through his hair. "Trixie… I want you to do something for me…"

* * *


	12. Black Friday

**Disclaimer: I own none of the cartoons used within nor _Animal House_.**

**Why does Jiraiya make a good Donald Sutherland? Will anything ever become of that random Light mention? Why can't I come up with something more than original than just having Tucker puke like Flounder did? From whence came Scott's hostility towards stuffed toys?**

**The world may never know.**

**And don't hate on Mai, peeps. Just do what I do - hate on Katy! She's a slut! **

**P.S. Movie-Brat, the Freddy mention is for you. :) **

Though the garage door was open, it didn't do much good for Chihiro House, because when the alien ship came crashing through, it was leaning to the side and ended up taking out a wall. But that was okay. It wasn't really their house anymore.

"Oooh! Sounds like stuff's breaking!" Bender led the way as he and Peter, attracted to destruction, made their constantly inebriated way into the garage.

In some sort of made-up mechanism made for possibly ejection, defense, or suicide, the windshield popped off the ship and went flying across the room.

Tucker scrambled out, panicky over the damage done to the weird vehicle. His foot caught and he fell on the garage's pavement but he just jumped back up.

"I'm leaving," In perfect contrast, Zuko lifted himself out and stepped down with all the care and fluidity of someone who's older and cooler.

"Mai?" Pietro asked, doing a show-offy little flip out of the front.

"Yes."

"Good luck! Watch out for her needles!"

Tucker had begun to cry after looking the ship over.

"Hey, stop blubbering!" Bender was leaning against the ship, striking a cool guy pose with his beer in unnatural positions. "When I'm through with this thing, you won't even recognize it!" With his last gesture, he sloshed half his beer into the cockpit and onto the shoes of a very groggy Danny, who was climbing out of the ship.

"Huh? Oh, whoa, more beer…"

"Wow, you look tired, Bedussey!" Peter commented. "Maybe it's because you were _deprived of sleep_, eh? _Eh_?"

Danny stood, looking at him, open-mouthed. "Uh… yeah. Not with like, a girl if that's you mean."

"Maybe that's what I mean…" Peter looked somewhat disappointed, but not disheartened, he looked to Tucker. "Heyyy, Dipwad! You still a virgin? Huh? Spill the beaaaans!"

Tucker cried.

"My god, what kind of road trip was this? You're crying and the other freshman is about to pass out by means other than drugs!"

"Well, we _can_ give him drugs," Pietro had retrieved a beer from the basement and reappeared in the garage.

Now frustrated, Peter just asked, "Did you fuck anybody on the road trip?"

Pietro made a bodily sort of shift, and his facial expression changed in that way to suggest that you just sparked something deep within someone and they're about to launch into a tangent. "NO! I came really close, too! But then they totally interrupted it and-" He stopped suddenly when Tucker collapsed at their feet in a little fit of despair.

"Ew," Peter commented. Then he decided to take pity on the poor, pathetic freshman as he lifted his poor, pathetic self off the now damp cement. Peter got the attention of the crying young man and crushed a (full) can of beer on his head. "Ta-daaa!" Tucker continued to cry. Peter grabbed a (full!) bottle of beer and whomped himself over the head with it. It crashed into pieces and a puddle. "Ta-daaa!" But Tucker just kept crying. Finally Peter strained to pick up a whole keg, but Pietro stepped in between them.

"Come on, Dipwad! You can't worry about your mistakes forever! I just forget about crap like responsibility! You fucked up! You trusted us! Make the best of it, OOHH, maybe we can help you!"

"That's easy for you to say," Tucker wiped his nose (with his sleeve, ewww!). "What am I going to tell Dib?"

Pietro scratched his head, crossed his arms, uncrossed them, put his hands on his hips, took them off, huffed, rolled his neck, put his hand to his chin, ran his hand through his whitish hair, and gave thought to the pros and cons of every action. All in about twenty seconds. "Okay. Tell ya what. I'll talk to Dib. Swear you were doing a great job taking care of. You know. That ship thing whatever the crap. But you parked it out back last night, and this morning, it was GONE!" He put a horrified face on to act it out for Tucker. "Maybe the alien person came back for it and didn't stop to chat! WHO KNOWS! Anyway. Bender takes care of the wreck. We tell the FBI. They contact Dib and they interrogate him. Possibly use torture. He's too busy to have anything done to you." He smiled and spread his arms out, waiting for Tucker's face to light up. But he just looked confused. Pietro jumped in place and spread his arms out farther, as if it didn't take the first time.

Tucker raised one eyebrow. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Will that work?"

"It's gotta work better than the truth."

"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily," Peter picked up the keg he was trying to pick up before and handed it off to Tucker, who fell under the weight.

Pietro leaned over him. "Better to listen to him, Dipwad. He's years older than we are." Peter nodded eagerly, both him and Pietro ignoring how screwed up that was.

Bender started up his chainsaw and let out a satanic laugh.

--

Zuko had bought of box of Mai's favorite hideously dark chocolates on his way to her off-campus house. Zuko remembered how Mai would always say how she "deeply loved her shitty, disgusting, moldy little hellhole". _She's such a great match for me_. It was good that he had decided to patch things up with her before it got irreparable. They had problems they would have to work through, and they would, and then they could go back to the good old days of hateful people-watching in the cafeteria, drinking tea (spiked in Zuko's case), trying to play the game where they guessed when and how famous figures and people they knew were going to die. And back in the day when he could actually talk to her about his serious familial issues and feel like she didn't think there were more pressing things in his immediate life to discuss.

Zuko was smiling, something he hadn't been doing much lately without the guys, or at all, really. He reached Mai's little house. Up the steps and through the door.

Mai was just walking in, wrapping a short black silk bathrobe around herself. She looked up at him, surprised – finally showing some emotion other than boredom.

Zuko smiled and put the chocolates aside. "Hey. I missed you."

He noticed she was still surprised. It was a little unnerving. "I was going to call you-"

"Where did you say the lighters were?" A male's voice called out from the kitchen.

Zuko recognized the voice. His smile disappeared.

Mai crossed her arms and turned away from him. "…Those aren't the right chocolates anyway."

A scary-looking scowl covered Zuko's face. His fingers twitched like he wanted to do something with them, but he turned and slammed the door on his way out.

"Shit," Mai said. She sighed.

"OHMYGOD, YOU HAVE ARTSY NAKED PICTURES HUNG UP IN YOUR KITCHEN!" Jiraiya shouted.

--

"Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure? What would Jean wanna do with me?" Pietro tapped his fingers nervously against the old printed phone in the house's hallway. _I mean, besides that I'm hot shit._

"I really don't know, Pietro. You'd have to ask her yourself." Trixie expertly filed her nails and held her cell phone to her ear with her shoulder. In her usual girlish outfit, with a girlish pink mobile, she looked drastically juxtaposed in her room, which was oddly furnished with a bookcase full of a huge comic book collection, sci-fi and action movie posters, and plushies of monsters and movie villains on her bed. Scott Summers also stuck out, a freakish laid-back, preppy tumor sticking out of the overdone boyishness. He was clutching a _Nightmare on Elm Street_ plushie, squeezing it so hard in his anger that it was shaking. "As soon as you can get there… do you know the Mordhaus Motel on Oblong Road? … Thank you very much… bye!" She hung up and turned to smile at Scott, who smacked the serial killer stuffed toy with his fist. Trixie whimpered and picked him up. "Freddy!"

--

Dean Father's secretary, young not-really-Japanese-looking-Japanese-male Light Yagami, checked his watch to see when his boss would be coming in. He worked this job after classes, and was hired so Dean Father could eliminate the temptation of cheating on his wife (which he probably did anyway). It was strange, this handsome young genius working a menial secretary job. It was a very weird fit – _or maybe it was the perfect disguise_…

But enough about that.

Dean Father burst in. "Did you get the Chihiros' grade reports?"

"I have them right here."

"Why didn't you tell me?!" He grabbed them away. Father took out his pipe to read the grades. That's how serious he was about this. Very, very, very serious. He gave a small evil laugh. "Good…"

"Excellent evil chuckle, sir."

"Thank you. I haven't trained in a while, but I try to keep in practice, you know?"

--

Pietro whistled one of his usual fast tunes as he bounded up towards the room he had agreed on at the freakish, black-and-red-themed Mordhaus Motel. He had a bouquet of cheap flowers. He fixed his hair again right before he reached for the door. "_Here's Mr. Thoughtful with a dozen roses for youuu_uuuushit."

It was enough of a shock that even Pietro wasn't able to run away before someone closed the door behind him. He was facing an extremely pissed off Scott and several other bloodthirsty (but a little happy because, helloooo, blood! Yay!) Totoros, including but certainly not limited to Robin and Beast Boy.

Despite that even he knew his usual tricks wouldn't work this time, Pietro still said looked at them all, forced a smile, and said, "My! Jean! How you've chang-" he didn't finish it before he got punched to the face and subsequently swarmed.

--

The Chihiros did not exactly look resplendent, as they were called suddenly to Dean Father's office. But they rarely looked resplendent anyway. Double D had made his usual attempts to look nice and even gave his teeth one, or maybe more like four super-speedy brushings. Tucker made extra sure his cap was straight. Danny had tried to brush his thick mop of black hair, but it's pretty much a lost cause at this point. Peter had given up a long time ago. And Bender's a robot, so he's sort of at a loss. He certainly didn't polish himself or buff out the latest scratches.

And Dean Father was absolutely glowing. "Where are the other two? Maximoff and Zuko?"

Double D giggled nervously. "W-we looked everywhere, sir, b-but we couldn't-"

"Never mind. It doesn't matter. If it did, I would have invited the less important Chihiros, too. You gentlemen see your midterm grades yet?"

"Uh, heh, th-they're not posted y-y-yet, sir."

Dean Father's eyes narrowed. This was just too good. It was his shining moment. Far better than the birth of his children. "**I've seen them.**" He took out the manila folder and whipped it open, holding it to his eye level. He put on his reading glasses, even though he already had the whole thing memorized. "Daniel Fenton, two C's, two D's, and an F. Congratulations, Fenton, you're at the top of your pledge class."

"Uh, thank you, sir," Danny awkwardly smiled.

Peter and Bender gave him a thumbs-up (as if to say, "Great job!").

Father simmered. "Mr. Foley?"

"Hiii," Tucker was tipsy.

"Three F's, two D's. Nerdy, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Tucker's mouth dropped. Even Dean Father thought he was nerdy. "Come on…"

"Eddward, President of Totoro House. Four C's and a D. A fine example you set!"

Double D is unfamiliar with academic failure. Excuse him while he has a panic attack.

"_Bender_. No courses whatsoever. You are enrolled in this school and have no classes."

"Cool!" Bender said.

"Mr. Griffin," Father looked up at Peter.

Peter was licking the decorative vase from Father's office, wearing his golf gloves, and balancing his dictionary on his head, having giving himself a vast collection of facial tattoos with Father's engraved ballpoint pen. "This isn't what it looks like."

Father glowered. "MR. GRIFFIN. _Zero. Point. ZERO_." He took off his reading glasses, meaning that the torture session was over but the punishment had just begun. "Tell Prince Zuko and Mr. Maximoff exactly what I'm about to tell you."

There was a dramatic pause. Double D stepped forward, hoping maybe Dean Father had a stroke or heart attack or maybe a toilet seat fell from a space station and crushed him (oh stop it, you'd think the same way if you were him right now). "What, sir?"

"You're OUT! FINISHED! _EXPELLED! _I WANT YOU OFF THIS CAMPUS AND OUT OF MY LIFE BY MONDAY MORNING!"

Tucker's mouth dropped.

Father spread his arms out. "Well?"

Tucker stammered. The others looked up at him.

"Well?!"

Double D wasn't looking though. His eyes see nothing.

"OUT WITH IT, BOY, OR I'LL LIGHT THAT STUPID CAP ON FIRE!"

Tucker puked all over his desk.

* * *


	13. DEAD!

Trixie looked up at the stars. "Scott. Just relax. You know, I know, everyone knows that Pietro certainly had it coming."

They were at the same cliché lookout point that Scott had taken Jean to before. But now Trixie had the coveted spot next to Scott in his car. She was leaning against him. Her hand was not visible.

Scott pondered it. He looked a little like something was weighing on his conscience, but he also looked triumphant. "I don't think the Chihiros will be giving us any more trouble."

Then they sat in peaceful, quiet, darkness again. Crickets could be heard.

"Scott… sweetie… is it supposed to be this soft?"

---

"Ohmygod!" Peter Griffin sat in a filthy armchair in the Chihiro living room (but who would honestly want to live in it besides a bunch of college boys?). "Twenty-three years of college down the drain! May as well join the Peace Corps or something."

"I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Father!" Tucker sat on the ground at the side of one of the couches with his head in his hands.

Another Chihiro, Coop, walked up to him. "Aw, face it, Dipwad. You threw up ON Dean Father. And don't forget it. We won't."

"You weren't even there!"

Before the conversation could continue, the door to the house opened. Everyone turned their attention to the living room entrance as Bender walked in, helping a very pathetic, injured-looking Pietro limp across the floor. His clothes were disheveled and he was holding an ice pack to his face. Bender wasn't exactly being very careful (sort of just dragging him… Bender's not used to this whole caring thing.)

Zuko, who had been brooding in his own little black hole of dark pensiveness, finally looked up and was able to bring himself to get up. "You look grotesque. What happened?" He was concerned, but his tone came out sort of like how _dare you present yourself grotesquely in front of me_. _ You'd better have a good explanation for this._

Pietro plopped himself down on the couch instead of easing himself down, his chronic impatience causing him more pain. "Some of the Totoros did a little dance on my face."

Peter got up and balled his fat hands into fists. "Who was it?"

"Oh, just Scooter and Robby and the little green fellow who keeps popping up... and some of the other Palin youth."

"What did you do?" Danny asked.

"I don't know, they're just animals, I guess!!"

After that, there were a couple sighs, then everyone seemed to remember what they were feeling dejected about before the drama. It didn't take long for everyone to figure out that there wasn't much they could do, and they remembered that it wasn't the first time that kind of thing had happened.

Pietro had observed this. "Did I miss something?"

Zuko brooded. He was getting to be so dark and moody at that point that just passing by him would be the equivalent of watching three full-length commercials for the Humane Society in a row. Or seeing a feature-length special on the Holocaust, even. "Yes, you did. Dean Father got our grades. We're all officially kicked out of school."

"Kicked out?!" Pietro first fast reaction was to be pissed. Then he raised an eyebrow. "No wait. That makes sense."

"Hey!" Peter Griffin had been standing up the whole time (it was motivated movement! Who can ever be sure with Peter!) "What's all this lying around bullshit, huh? We should do something!"

"Well, what are we supposed to do, you…!" Spud, another Delta, blurted, caught up in emotion, before settling down instantly. "… I had an insult planned, but I totally lost it. I did not really think it through… sorry."

Bender had a six pack on his lap and was going through them one by one. He was only one in. "War's over, man! Dean Father dropped the big one." A toast. "My advice to you is to give up!"

"OVER?" Peter repeated. "Did you say 'over'?"

Bender had to think it over and repeat his lines in his head. "I think so. Hey yeah. Yeah. I did."

"Nothing's over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Sui and Tang Dynasties in China defeated the Guptas and communized our trading system?!"

"Did you dip into my crack?" Pietro asked.

"Again?" Zuko added.

"It isn't over now! 'Cause when the going gets tough…!" He waited for answer.

…

…

…

"…The tough get going!! Yeah! Let's go! Come on! WHOO!" He ran out of the room.

No one followed.

Peter walked back in. "If I was Hugh Jackman, you'd all follow me. So visualize that!" He ran out again.

No one followed.

Peter came back again, looking pissed off now. "What happened to the Chihiros I used to know? Where's the spirits? Where's the guts? Where's the cocaine? This could be the greatest night of our lives!" Dramatic pause (**ooh!**). "But you're going to let it be the worst! _Oh, we're afraid to go with you, Peter, we might get in trouble! We might get post-traumatic stress disorder!_ Well, just KISS MY ASS FROM NOW ON! Not me! I won't take this! Dean Father? Dead man! Scott Summers? Dead man! Robin? –"

"Dead!" Pietro blurted. He slowly lifted himself up, everyone else looking up in surprise; they were getting just a wee bit energized, but not enough to act on it. If Pietro thought they could do it, it might just be true. Peter looked surprised he was getting supported too, as Pietro continued. "Peter's right! Psychotic! And probably tipsy! But absolutely right! We have to take down these bastards! We could fight them with conventional weapons, yeah, that could take years and cost millions of lives. But in this case we have to go all out! This situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part-!"  
"And we're just the guys to do it," Peter finished, the whimsical energy returning to his fat face.

"LET'S DO IT!" Pietro and Peter shouted at the same time.

"_Let's do it!_" The Chihiros echoed. Danny and Tucker jumped up and waved their arms wildly. Bender threw a beer at the ceiling. Even Zuko was getting up and smiling with determination. With Peter herding them like sheep, everyone ran out of the living room in an overexcited swarm.

But Danny lagged behind.

Tucker poked his head back in. "Danny! Aren't you coming?"

"I'll be right back! There's someone I have to see!"

Tucker watched, puzzled, as Danny left through the front door.

------------

It was past midnight when Danny had reached Sam's house. He didn't want to wake her parents, but still somehow needed to wake her. "_Sam. Saaaam._" This stage whisper was getting him nowhere, so he looked around on the grass for a small pebble. He found a tiny stone and threw it at her window, but it bounced off the frame. Danny picked up another and threw it. It hit the window but bounced off with little noise made. Now frustrated, Danny picked up a rock half the size of his fist and threw it.

It went through the window. A light clicked on.

Danny yelped in fear and tried to run away but ran straight into a tree, which knocked him back on his butt.

Sam came in the window, bleary-eyed and in a sexy little black-and-purple gothic nightgown. "Uh… hello? Lucas?"

_Lucas?_ "It's Danny! I took you to the party… remember?"

She looked down and seemed to fully snap awake. "Danny! Hold on, I'm coming down!"

A few seconds passed as she made her way down, coming out now with combat boots too. She was scowling a bit. "So how come you show up now? I didn't expect to see you."

Danny just then realized he hadn't talked to her since… he didn't know. Ever since he joined Chihiro House, his sense of days of the week was shoddy. Hoping he would seem innocent and forgivable for it, he gave her his best sheepish face. "I never got a chance to say goodnight after the party."

Sam cracked a smile, much to Danny's relief. "My parents practically pumped my stomach."

Danny smiled too and shrugged. "So, uh, can we take a walk or something?"

"I hate romantic moonlight walks. And what do you mean by 'or something'?"

"Well, I could get some beer…"

Once she heard the word 'beer' she held up her hand. "No booze tonight, okay? Besides, who knows…" She leaned towards him a bit. "You might get lucky without it."

---

Somehow, through the nauseatingly fast course of events that neither of them could believe if they tried, Danny and Sam were under the bleachers at the Miyazaki College football field in Sam's black-and-purple-skull-print-striped sleeping bag. They were making out, wearing only their undergarments… but Sam was starting to remove hers.

"Wait, before we go any further…" Danny pulled his face away and paused. "I lied to you. I've never done this before."

"You never made out with a girl before?"

"No, I-I uh, I've never done what I, um, think we're going to do now!"

Sam smirked. "That's okay, Danny, neither have I. Besides, I kind of lied to you, too…"

Danny listened as he began to remove his boxers too. "Yeah? What about?"

But what she said next made Danny stop short: "I'm only thirteen!"


	14. Dethparade Part 1

**For time purposes, I decided to split up the parade chapter into two. I still am not totally unsure how I am going to wrap it up and decided not to make you wait longer.**

**And I may have mixed up/combined a couple floats. That is acknowledged. No need to mention that, alrighty?  
**

---

Double D poked and shoved and "excuse me"-d his way through the crowd. He had thought maybe his disguise of a black suit, black tie, black sunglasses, and black fedora might have gained him some respect while still acting as a good disguise, but the crowd paid him no heed (maybe they could still feel the dork waves radiating off him). It took him a few minutes, but he reached the mailbox. He gave an indignant look at the boy with the silly pink hat sitting on it. "Hey! You should _not _sit on that. It is government property and you are defacing it with your buttocks!"

The kid gave him a look and ignored him.

"LOOK! A large gray child!" The boy whipped around in shock. He didn't get off, though, so Double D gave him a shove and jumped on. He looked over the crowd that had gathered around, expecting another colorful, family-friendly Miyazaki College parade.

They were right about the colorful part, at least.

---

Chihiro member Coop sat in the driver's seat of Tak's remodeled ship. Grinning, he picked up his walkie-talkie. "Zuko, you ready?"

Zuko was brooding so heavily that it took him a full five seconds to respond and his voice was low. "Flamethrowers all set."

"Bender?"

"Legs are ready!"

"Pietro?"

"Heh. Hee hee. Motor. Motor. Motor. Motor. Ready. Ready. Ready. Ready!"

---

Chihiro members Monkey D. Luffy and Roronoa Zoro were standing on one side of the street. They were busy looking cool with their sunglasses (and other than that, didn't look that cool) and repeating the words "crowd control" over and over in their minds, because when they asked for a job, those were the only two words given to them.

A woman with an impossibly tall blonde wig and a beer in hand tapped Zoro on the shoulder. "Excuse me, my daughter can't see. And she's got a tumor. A head tumor. Can she stand in front of you, please?"

Zoro looked at her emotionlessly. "No."

"Now you're gonna get a tumor. See how you like it." She left.

---

Peter was told to dress in a Marilyn Monroe costume and stand atop the fast food restaurant Mooby's. He was told, "You'll be distracting, and that's your job when we call you on the walkie-talkie." He was told, "When you get your signal, just dance around a lot, so they don't notice us before they're supposed to."

He was told all of that, but he wasn't _given_ anything besides orders.

He looked around the roof. "Maybe… I have to find it."

It didn't help matters that he mixed it up and was in fact dressed as Marilyn Manson, not Marilyn Monroe.

---

The ground around Miyazaki campus shook as the giant robot, about three stories high, stomped down the row of fraternities and sororities, making its way over to the Miyazaki parade.

Coop was not normally a very prevalently involved Chihiro brother, but when it came time for this grand prank finale to formulate, they were all more than happy to accept his help in turning Tak's ship into a giant robot basically overnight. They were also more than happy to accept his cocaine. The cocaine that no one had dared let the already overly speedy Pietro within ten feet of.

Until that morning, when they needed locomotion power.

Coop decided to get a little more glory out of it before they reached the parade. He picked up the walkie-talkie. "Aren't you guys thankful that you have me? I mean, you've never had the chance to utilize me until now. Kind of a plot twist, huh?"

There was a long pause, and then Zuko (manning the flame throwers, don't forget) said, "Speaking of plot twists, have you ever heard of 'friendly fire'?"

Coop was still smiling but didn't respond.

Pietro attempted to work the walkie-talkie, but only a patch of his giggling came through. He came back on briefly, laughing even harder about not being able to work it. This continued for a while.

---

Robin's troupe were right behind the marching band. The mini-Robins swung their guns about and stomped to the beat he barked. He was thinking to himself furious, dark thoughts on how this parade better go. This continued to burrow the nutso little black hole that was his soul even deeper. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a shadow. _SLADE! No, that's just the shadow cast by a pigeon. False alarm._

---

The float designed by Totoro House men consisted of a humongous papier-mâché sculpture of two hands shaking - one was a white human hand, the other was covered in fake fur. A large sign in the front read "FURR-E-QUALITY!". The girls from the most prestigious sorority house practically doubled as ornaments, dressed up in Sarah Palin business woman dresses.

Trixie, Jean, and the still less pretty Veronica stood on one side. They were smiling so wide you'd think their teeth were going to pop out and bite you. In fact, the float could have run off of solar panels mounted on their teeth.

Trixie tried again while she continued smiling and waving. "Come on, Jean. I said I was sorry. It wasn't like you were going to do anything with him anytime soon."

Jean was already in a mood because besides the whole Scott debacle, she didn't even want to be up on the men's friggin' float (she'd rather have done her own). "Screw you," Jean replied, her grin not faltering.

There was a slight but steady sudden rumble. Jean thought it was thunder. Then the ground started to move. _Maybe I'm going bat shit insane again. Whatever. Knew it was gonna happen. _But then the rumble was separated, like the footsteps of a giant monster. Everyone turned to look, except Trixie and Veronica, who would not let their eerie smiles escape if a bomb had dropped.

Enter giant robot.


	15. Dethparade Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the cartoons used within.**

**Last chapter! :D Thanks to all who stuck with me 'til the very end, and thanks to all who reviewed! These reviewers include Dracozombie, Movie-Brat, Bucking Frilliance, Lunagrrl180 (AKA Casa and some other names), Evil Riggs (where have you been?), Blue Paratroopa, Nukid, anyone who's name I screwed up, and anyone I may have forgotten. Thanks again, guys. And I apologize for the delay on the last chapter here.**

---------

"I want this to go right," Mayor Adam West commented to Dean Father on the specially decorated bleachers that had been set up just for the town's most special people on one side street to watch the parade.

Dean Father nodded. "So do I, sir, so do I…" He nodded as he desperately tried to ignore the _thump-thump-thump_ down the street and prayed that he was just having a heart attack. Beside him, Judy took a hit of tequila that she had hidden a small bottle of, completely oblivious to the noise, or the imminent threat to her husband's life.

"Do you hear that noise, Dean Father?"

"No."

"It sounds like _death_."

---

The giant robot stomped up to the parade. It was quickly noticed (no shit, it's a giant robot!). The children marveled. Some of them cried. The adults were speechless.

The parade float drivers didn't know what to do. They knew that they didn't want to let things melt down totally, at least not yet, but they also did not desire to be squished that day. The giant robot approached…

On the float of the house where the female superheroes lived, they looked around cautiously and tried to seem like all was well as they sat atop their blimp-shaped float. Their president, Juniper Lee, forced a smile and said, "Hey, those guys are coming on a little fast aren't they?"

Bender gave a battle cry from within the legs and their float was punted like a football. The girls went flying onto various buildings and poles as the crowd scattered and erupted into screams of fear. The float itself went flying into… Mayor Adam West's office.

Adam West's eyes widened. "What are the odds?!"

Dean Father reached up and yanked down Scott Summers from his seat above him by the designer tie. "What the hell is going ON?!"

Scott looked around. "Damned if I know!"

---

While the crowd was distracted by that, Double D ran out into the street and put a hook around the back of the Totoro House float. The other end of the hook was fastened to the mailbox he had taken a seat on earlier. It took him a couple tries, and he fell down ungracefully and had to pick himself up again and scramble after it. But he was successful. He darted off of the street like a mouse with a silly sock-shaped hat.

---

Tucker walked into a local fast food restaurant. "Can I have two gallons of boiling oil, please?"

---

The hook did its job in a hurry – it reached its max stretching length and yanked off one half of the Totoro House float. The girls went tumbling off.

Jean grabbed for Trixie, but she only succeeded in ripping off Trixie's clothes. "Ehmagawd! Trixie! Sorry!" She called out. "I didn't mean to! Or, not physically! Only in my mind! Oh wait, then it is on purpose!"

Trixie collapsed to the ground in her bra and shockingly boyish boxers. She shrieked and tried to cover herself in vain with her arms.

Veronica had somehow been sent flying into the low, open apartment window of a young, fat, blonde teenage boy with a cap and an earring. He saw her and screamed his head off in fear.

---

Tucker tried to avoid touching the hot oil in the barrels he dragged out to the street. He looked up to see Robin ordering his forcibly gung-ho troops to attack the robot (with what, he didn't know. He didn't think that far ahead.) Tucker dumped the oil. They slipped on it and shouted in pain at their burning butts.

Tucker man-giggled. "Oh man! This is GREAT!" (He must be losing it.)

---

Mai went to stand behind most of the floats, many of which had long since crashed. Throngs of people ran screaming around her, as did one man on fire. She had just lit up one of her gothic little ciggies, using the passing burning man as a match. "Hm. Chaos in unsuspecting mild-mannered suburbia. How surprisingly not forced and not repulsively cliché." A toddler screaming for his mommy with tears running down his face toddled by. Mai giggled.

---

"Hey! Don't panic!" Robin-following green teen Beast Boy tried to calm the crowd with a thumbs-up. "It's all good, man!" The crazed flocks simply swarmed past him.

---

"FIRE THE MISSILES!" Zuko ordered in his walkie-talkie.

A projectile shot out of Megas' left foot and went straight for the VIP Bleachers.

Adam West tried to wave it away. "BEGONE I SAY!"

Judy Neutron toasted it with her hip flask.

"I hate those guys…" Father said.

(EXPLOSION!) The missile did not send shrapnel, but GUMBALLS! How random!

---

"Hey! Why the hell aren't we moving?!" Bender shouted.

"We're out of gas," Coop replied. "Pietro's high is gone."

They only thing heard over the speaker form Pietro was his mumbling and sniffing furiously.

"And I'm going to get a sub sandwich."

"WHAT? Don't you dare leave!" Zuko ordered.

Coop clicked off. Then the super vehicle ejected Dib's space ship and consequently, Coop. It landed with a thud on the ground below.

---

Scott Summers crawled himself out from the wreckage of the bleachers. Gum was stuck to the bottoms of his feet and the elbows of his fancy blazer. He stumbled over to the giant robot and began pounding furiously on the emptied leg. "SHOW YOUR FACE! COME OUT HERE AND FIGHT FAIRLY! MAN-TO-MAN!"

Pietro came onto the loudspeaker. "Who seriously fights fairly anymore? What era is he from? The sixties?"

Zuko paused. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

Bender came on. "I'm leaving. I'm out of beer."

Bender actually walked out of the other foot. He looked over at Scott, who was too busy losing his temper on the other leg to see Bender leave.

"Shit!! We're gonna get our asses whooped!" Pietro sped-said over the walkie talkie. "Hang on!"

There were a few awkward clunks, a creaking, and a pop, and Pietro popped into the cramped space that Zuko was in.

"Let's die together!" Pietro shouted with a smile, still kind of high.

"Face it like men!" Zuko agreed, an out-of-place smile on his face.

"Man-hug!!"

"...No."

---

Peter started to feel useless (because he IS useless) up on the building. "Hey! Why does everyone else to get to have the fun around here? I wanna be involved! HIYAAAH!" he jumped off...

And promptly landed on Scott, knocking him out instantly (I mean, yeah, doing more damage than that, but it worked!).

"What was that?!" Pietro poked one silver head out of the opening of the robot's leg where Bender left. "What happened to Scott?"

"Who?" Peter was looking around.

Pietro was going to answer but heard familiar laughter. He looked over at the sidewalk and saw, through gaps in the running crowds of terrified people, Jean trying not to laugh at how Scott had gotten hurt.

Pietro laughed with her and shouted her name a few times, then when he got her attention, he made a few random, quick, eager gestures to Scott and gave her thumbs up. It made her laugh even harder. Pietro swelled with joy and raced off just as some bumbling cops realized that the giant robot had been immobile for a while and staged their attack.

"What's taking you so long?" Zuko made his way out. "Where'd he go?"

"Hey! Look at that guy!" One of the cops shouted. "Either he was taken prisoner and molested, or he helped power the robot! Get him!!"

Commence chase.

**Scott Summers**

**Graduated top of his class**

**Now works as manager at Bed, Bath and Beyond**

---

Zuko was being wrestled to the cement by at least four cops. More were being called over. The fact that he was shouting threats about burning their station to the ground could not be helping.

Mai, acting weirdly out of character, rushed over. Then, with more emotion than Zuko (or anyone) had ever seen her show, she shouted, "Officers! Officers! That band of wannabe-anarchist teens are looting the Hot Topic!"

The officers dropped Zuko and ran off, barely being able to contain their excitement at the prospect of beating emos.

Zuko got up with ease. A small smile was on his face. "Did you just... _emote_ and _act_ for my sake?"

Her face was apathetic. "That will never happen again. Next time you get caught by police, you're getting the stun gun."

"Is this the part in the movie where they make out?"

"Jokes about cliche's are so out, Zuko."

She then started the tongue-spelunking.

**Zuko and Mai**

**Married one year later**

**Divorced two years later**

**Remarried three years later**

**Divorced four years later**

**Court-ordered mutual restraining order five years later**

---

A half hour later, Pietro was forty-nine miles away.

He finally stopped to catch his breath. "I got to work on my game."

**Pietro Maximoff**

**High school coach of girls' cross country**

---

Double D had taken refuge in a dumpster and was rocking himself back and forth, curled up in the fetal position. "It was just a scam. It was just a scam. It was just a scam. It was just a scam."

**Eddward "Double D"**

**Worked as college math physics professor for three years**

**Resides in Peach Creek Mental Institution**

**Current state described as "Relapse"**

---

In a state of pure joy, Tucker spent a few seconds jumping and down, then promptly whipped out his cell phone to post the happenings all over his blogs.

**Tucker Foley**

**Teaches course on modern technology at Miyazaki College**

"YOU! I'll kill you! You and your anarchist bunch of freaks are through!" Robin had a large, pointy, intimidating staff pointed at Tucker's neck. "YOU HEAR? We are THROUGH PROFESSIONALLY!! YOU ALL SHOULD HAVE LIVED ABOVE THE INFLUENCE! WHAT'S MORE, I-" He was stopped mid-sentence and carried off by a jogging cloud of emos (they couldn't really run) that were desperately trying to get away from the police and weeping pitifully. Robin was dragged into the darkness, the black cloud, and he was never seen again.

**Well, he was seen again. Unfortunately.**

**Robin**

**Became military commander**

**Killed by his own soldiers in a routine practice on a sunny day**

---

Sam was sprinting, her happy demeanor betraying her usual goth-wear. She was dragging a very hesitant Danny along with her.

"Sam, I really, really, REALLY think this isn't-"

She brought him to an abrupt halt in front of the collapsed bleachers. Adam West had just gotten up and was brushing himself off. "They'll be hearing from one of my eighteen lawyers! Can't touch that lawyer brigade! I have them all practice by suing each other constantly!" He looked up at Sam in shock, then at Danny with curiosity. "Who's...?"

"Dad! This is Danny! He's the boy who molested me!"

She meant it as a cynical goth joke, but her father did not take it that way. He took off running after Danny with an old-fashioned flintlock pistol in hand. "I'll teach you the meaning of 'no means no'!"

**Danny Fenton**

**Editor of ParaPorn, the only paranormal fetish magazine (for the first seven years of its run)**

---

When Adam West went running off, he left Dean Father and his giggling, drunken wife behind.

**Judy Neutron**

**In and out of rehab, at least seven times**

Double D had crawled to the mess of the bleachers on his elbows and knees, soldier-style. When he reached Dean Father, he sat up and brushed himself off. "Sir, I know this is an inopportune time, but could you perhaps consider giving Chihiro House just one more chance?"

Father stared at him, speechless and totally defeated.

**Dean Father**

**Went into early retirement and moved to an undisclosed Caribbean location one year later**

---

Beast Boy was freaking out, man! Crowds stampeded past him. "CHILL THE FUCK OUT, ALL OF YOU! IT'S NO BIG DEAL!! IT'S-" He was pushed over, flattened, and afflicted with internal bleeding.

**Beast Boy**

**Current location unknown - no one cares to look into it**

---

Way back at Chihiro House, Bender was sitting, contently drinking a few dozen beers. He was a perfect picture of how Chihiro House used to be, except that he was alone and there were a few dead bodies of cops piled on the ground.

"The others should be getting back soon," It was unclear what he meant by this, since he made no move to clean up the corpses.

**Bender**

**Had fateful run-in with the Robot Mafia two years later**

**Suspected to be part of a Jeep in Jersey City, a convertible in Tampa, and a mini-van in Walla Walla**

---

Trixie, still shrieking and searching for cover, ran by Peter.

Peter stared at her, but just as he realized she was underage(-ish), he also caught the sight of a redheaded M.I.L.F. She was cute and had a great body for a woman her age, but kind of a big nose. He was struck.

Peter noticed a car that some freshman was cowering for fear in, shaking back in forth in the fetal position. Peter tossed him out, jumped into the driver's seat, and took off. He drove right by the woman, grabbed her, and thrust her into the backseat.

He giggled. "Heehheehheehheeh. I stole you."

She only looked bothered. "Peter, it's Lois. We're already married."

**Peter Griffin**

**Never graduated**

**Happily married father of three (which he has been this entire time)**


End file.
